Kucing Gatal Speaks

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Plink in Bolehland

This post is dedicated to Plink as her reward for having won the Wordy Gurdy competition.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Plink. She lived in a tiny faraway land known as Lionpore, ruled by a greedy monster known as the Gorman. The Gorman had nothing better to do than meddle in Lionporeans' lives, dictating what they should do and when they should do it. But Plink was happy. Food was plentiful, there was peace in the land and things ran smoothly.

Ever so often the Gorman would give a speech where it proclaimed Lionpore as the best land in the world and no other land could come close to it. It would then demand rewards for being a great leader and the Lionporeans would give it a portion of their wages. In time this system became automated and their wages were automatically deducted, and this became known as taxes. No one liked the system but no one dared complain because the Gorman was all powerful and could easily punish dissidents. The Lionporeans also quietly bore other issues like inflation, and would pay a lot of money for a small plate of fried noodles, because the Gorman assured them that Lionpore had the best food in the world and it was worth every Lionporean cent.

Plink grew up under the watchful eye of the Gorman. She played happily with her friends, safe and secure in her own little world. Plink liked nothing better than yakking for hours about nothing - this was known as sembang-sembang in Lionpore and many of its citizens were good at it; in fact some were so good at it they started puffing up with hot air, and some even floated away while still talking.

Then Plink started going to school, as the Gorman dictated, and had to wear a blue pinafore as a uniform. She didn't mind as blue was her favourite colour, but she wished that some of the other Lionporeans would shave their legs as they were an unpleasant hairy sight. But some Lionporeans refused to part with their hair, and said they had heard that females in other faraway places like Pizzaland didn't even shave their underarms, so why should they shave and put up with ingrown hair and stubble? Plink didn't agree with their logic, arguing that they were in Lionpore and it was the best place in the world and these unshaven heathens were bringing down the standard of the land. The other Lionporeans laughed at Plink, telling her not to believe everything the Gorman told her. Plink lashed out, defending her beloved Gorman, but the other Lionporeans only laughed harder. They told her there were other lands which were better, and many told her that just to the north lay an even more beautiful place known as Bolehland, where people were happy and free and frolic away while eating all day. Plink didn't believe them and stamped her foot angrily. "Lionpore is the best place in the world, Bolehland can never come close!" Then she ran off crying to Mrs Betty Yap, her favourite teacher, who consoled Plink.

"There, there, little one, what's got you so upset?" she asked Plink.

Plink told her about the other Lionporean's evil lies, expecting Mrs Betty Yap to cane each and every one of them for treason. But to her surprise, Mrs Betty Yap merely smiled and nodded. "It's true, I've been there and Bolehland is a truly magical place," she said gently. Plink couldn't believe her ears. Her beloved teacher was calmly sitting there telling her there was a better place than Lionpore. How could that be? All her life the Gorman had told her Lionpore was the greatest place in the world. She decided to confront the Gorman to find out the truth. But the Gorman was too busy to talk to Plink, it was implementing a new program where all Lionporeans who turned 18 would have to join the army. Above all else, the Gorman feared being invaded and losing its power, so it wanted to turn each and every Lionporean into a potential soldier, despite the fact that Lionpore was about as big as a mustard seed and not many other countries wanted it - and even if they did all they would have to do was sneeze on it and it would be theirs.

Disheartened, Plink decided to venture out and discover Bolehland for herself. But to leave Lionpore, she needed the Gorman's consent. No one was allowed to leave without the Gorman knowing. She needed a little book known as a passport and so she set about getting one. After a few days, her application was approved and she received her passport. She couldn't believe how ugly the Gorman had painted her picture in the passport, it was as if the Gorman was angry at people leaving Lionpore and would purposely draw the ugliest picture possible.

Nevertheless, Plink then set off for the border and was just about to cross it when a minion of the Gorman stopped her. "Are you 3/4 full? You can't go to Bolehland without being at least 3/4 full. If you're less than 3/4 full, please stop and eat now. The Gorman insists that you can't be hungry when leaving Lionpore.

"And remember, upon your return you will be searched, and if you bring back this nefarious item known as chewing gum, you will be caned!" he told her sternly. Plink had heard of chewing gum and how evil it was. It could stop doors from closing and could stick people to the ground, stopping them from going about their daily business. It could also set off nuclear bombs from remote locations and turn people into goats, which was why the Gorman had banned it. Plink was happy that the Gorman had the best interests of the people at heart, she certainly didn't want to be turned into a goat.

Plink then stepped gingerly across the border and was instantly in a whole new world. For one, there were many more people around and for another, they were of all colours and sizes and all seemed to live and work happily side by side. For another, people were speaking various languages, not just the two that Plink herself knew. Her ears picked up lots of aiyas, and aiyos, and alamaks and they all swirled around musically inside her head. She tried a dish known as nasi lemak and it was the best thing she had eaten in her life. She couldn't believe her eyes when she saw dogs and cats roaming freely along the roads, just waiting for people to come and claim as pets. In Lionpore, people could only get pets from petshops and had to pay a fortune for one. And here, free pets everywhere!

She was falling in love with Bolehland, but was curious as to who governed the country. While having lunch at a quaint little place under a tree, she heard people shouting, "Mamak, teh ais satu!" "Mamak, roti canai dua!" and Mamak this and Mamak that. She wondered if Mamak ruled Bolehland, and asked him. He laughed so hard his belly jiggled. "Little girl, I wish I did, but I only rule the stomachs of the people here. The real ruler is the Gorman," he told her.

Plink's jaw fell open. "The Gorman rules here as well?" she asked, incredulous.

"Why, yes, didn't you know? Where are you from?"


The mamak grimaced. "Ah, I know the place. Also run by another Gorman, a different one."

Plink blinked. She hadn't known there was more than one Gorman.

"What is this Gorman like?"

"Well, it tries to be good but it has a lot of issues to settle. It's not like your Gorman which is free to do as it pleases because Lionpore is so tiny. Our Gorman is too busy trying to integrate its different ethnic parts into itself to have time to meddle much with our lives," the mamak explained. "See, the Gorman here is made up of different body parts, mainly Malay, Chinese and Indian, and it is consistently working to ensure that each body part works well in sync with the others."

Plink digested this for a while. She was fascinated with Bolehland and wanted to live there but she also loved Lionpore despite the malicious Gorman. She was indecisive which annoyed her because her pet peeve was indecision.

After a lot of thought, Plink decided to live in Bolehland and see how things went. If she didn't like it, she could always return to Lionpore. Satisfied with her decision, she set off into the sunset, ready to start a new life ...

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a neighbourly meow.


  • holy guacamole.. panjang nyer.

    By Anonymous tarehgemuk, at October 10, 2005 11:30 AM  

  • Thank you KG!
    Good to see you back!
    Wahaha...! Unshaven heathens bringing down standards! XD
    Thanks muchly again.

    By Blogger plink, at October 10, 2005 9:06 PM  

  • Nice tale.

    Although it might incite some cross-border tensions... better prepare a huge tank of water (and a carton of chewing gum) to quell the potential flames.

    All the same, it was an enjoyable adventure. Bravo!

    By Blogger Lao Chen, at October 11, 2005 10:45 AM  

  • Tarehgemuk: Once I started I couldn't stop!
    Plink: Glad you enjoyed it ;)
    Tan Yee Wei: I doubt anyone would be offended by this, unless they completely don't get tongue-in-cheek humour, in which case they should go play far far...

    By Blogger Kucing Gatal, at October 11, 2005 7:15 PM  

  • hahaha!!

    kucing ...kucing.... =P

    welcome back, woman. abt time u came back lar... :D *hugs*

    By Anonymous yvy, at October 12, 2005 12:52 PM  

  • Kucing, bila nak start with the normal posts balik ni? I miss you and your posts.

    By Blogger xaph, at October 12, 2005 8:52 PM  

  • Yvy and Xaph, so sweet lah you guys. I am in the middle of a "normal" post now, just lazy to finish it off and put it up. I need some ginseng I think, need to put the zing back in my life ;)

    By Blogger Kucing Gatal, at October 12, 2005 8:55 PM  

  • hmmmm.can't say I was too happy reading abt discrimination...

    By Blogger BLaCkFeLiNe, at October 14, 2005 7:14 AM  

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