Kucing Gatal Speaks

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Got this email recently, and am pasting it here verbatim as there is just so much going on.

Dear Kucing,

I'm moving to Malaysia very soon...

I'm a Canadian citizen but also have Bangladeshi passports since my parents are from there- I am totally Western in outlook and everything...I was wondering...

do Malaya girls like Canadians or guys that look Arabic/Afghan/Latino/Italian/Indian/Tajik/Uzbek? my skine tone is olive skinned and I am very light brown but can also pass for Indonesia/Malaysian..

i was gonna ask ya...I would luv to get Malaysian citizenship...

are Malaysian girls liberal or conservative?

if i get a malaya chick pregnant...do I gotta legally get married to a Malaya chick to get citizenship and for how long do i gotta stay with her? can i take her with me to Canada? i also wanna keep a harem in Malaysia because I am a sex addict...

which city is the best to live and study post grad?

in terms of making $$$?

when i cum to Malaysia...can u find me a 3500 sq foot house/appartement/complex and Malaya girls that I can get jiggy with?

polygamy is legal in malaysia...right?

 - Salman Hossain -

Kucing Gatal says:

Dear Salman,

Malay girls like men who treat them well, whatever they may look like. 

Malaysian girls are both liberal and conservative. It's your luck which type you end up with. 

If you get any girl pregnant, you should do the right thing and marry her. Although judging by your letter, you sound like a cad who just wants a good time and an easy way to Malaysian citizenship. So please do the world a favour and wear condoms. I don't recommend you have offspring until you're a bit more mature and realise the responsibility that comes with parenthood, planned or otherwise. 

You can take your wife anywhere, including Canada, Afghanistan, the US, India, China, Indonesia, Burkina Faso, etc, as long as she has a passport and any valid visas required.

All cities in Malaysia are awesome to live in. I don't know where you can study post grad because I don't know what course you want to do. 

In terms of making $$$, you can make $$$, $$$$, even $$$$$ if you work hard wherever you are. Except prison.

For your accommodation needs, I suggest you try this wonderful magical tool called Google. It can provide you with answers to almost anything. As for Malay girls to get jiggy with, I am certainly not a pimp. Socialise, be nice, and the girls will flock to you. 

Personally, I don't condone polygamy but yes it is legal.

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a bemused Meow.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

His size scares her

Since my last post, I've received a few letters asking for help. I'll post them over the coming days, and hope my response helps. 

Letters edited for clarity.

Dear Kucing Gatal,
I am married, but have a problem. When my wife and I have sex, she is afraid of me penetrating her, as she says I'm too big and will hurt her. I've done everything to make her horny, gave her "sex drop" but nothing happened.

 Do you have any ideas on how to reduce her fear? By the way, my wife's body is small sized. Thanks. 


Kucing Gatal says:

Dear KorekKorek,

This is a common problem, especially with petite Asian women. Large penises can be pretty scary especially if the woman is a virgin, or has only been with men who have earthworms between their legs. 

I'm not sure just how large you are, but African men are rumoured to be very large and yet they are able to have sex with Asian women, none of whom have died as far as I know. Anyway, your large member is something many men would envy you for, and many women would die for (not literally).

When you say you've done everything to make her horny, are you sure she is wet enough? Have you gone down on her and made sure she is slippery and waiting? Test with your fingers first, if she's not wet enough it will hurt. What turns her on? Do more of that, and calm her fears by being as gentle as possible. I'm not sure what "sex drops" are, but if they're not working, stop using them. 

Try sex toys too, they can be great for spicing up your love life. Introduce your wife to a vibrator if she doesn't already have one. Start with a  small size, and penetrate her with that. If it doesn't hurt, get a bigger one, until she is comfortable with one that's similar in size to your penis. 

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with an extra large Meow. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

At your service

Once upon a time I was agony aunt to many Malaysians in distress. I'd like to resurrect this role, as I now have some time on my hands.

 So, to anyone reading this, if you have any problems, email me and I'll do my best to help you out with my very own words of wisdom.

If you want to remain anonymous let me know.

 No problem is too big or too small - it can be about relationships, work, finance, travel, sex, inanimate objects, anything at all. You can reach me at kucinggatal10@gmail dot com (spambots please get lost).

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a helpful meow.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Make your vote count

Elections are coming. Vote wisely.

Your future depends on it. Your country too.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a patriotic Meow.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Stop harping on race

So it's now 2013 (Happy New Year, Happy Chinese New Year and Happy Valentine's Day - belated) and apparently elections are around the corner. Malaysia has some of the most exciting politics in the world. Scandal, crime, corruption, nepotism, discrimination, we have it all in spades.

I can go on and on about what's been happening but I'm sure you're already up to speed. Such dirty, dirty politics. I like a bit of dirty every now and then, but even this level of dirty makes me squeamish.

Anyway... this post isn't really about politics. No, it's about race. We're already 13 years into the 21st century, and yet here in Malaysia we still care about skin colour.

I recently tried to enter a contest, where one of the compulsory fields was about race. Yep - you had to actually fill in your race or your entry wouldn't qualify. I know I shouldn't be shocked anymore given that this piece of information is still very exciting to bureaucrats and marketers alike, but I was.

Why does it matter whether we're Malay, Chinese, Indian, or lain-lain? Are winners decided based on a quota?

Naturally, I shot off an email to the organisers asking why this was compulsory. 2 days later and no response. Poor customer service and non-acknowledgement are pet peeves of mine. Loyal readers of my blog will know I have a long list of pet peeves but I digress.

I then shot off an email to the organiser's parent company based in the US. Within a day I got a response. It said because the contest was organised in Malaysia, I had to contact the Malaysian branch instead. Well, apparently my email must have made it up the ranks because a couple of hours later I got a response from the contest organisers saying that race was required for marketing purposes. Apparently, it would help them to pitch their products better.

I then responded, saying as far as I'm aware, their products (skincare range) work the same whether your skin colour is a light or dark shade of brown or pink. I said we need to move on from this requirement - it's highly suspicious when it is made mandatory in a contest form. I suggested that if they really wanted this information, they could leave the field in but make it non-mandatory. They thanked me for my feedback and that was that.

If it had been a free text field, I would have typed in human, but I was restricted to selecting from radio buttons. In the end, I refused to participate based on principle. I may have lost out on some great prizes but this is something that I need to make a stand on. If more Malaysians also speak out about this, maybe we can finally get rid of this irritating requirement once and for all.

And maybe then we can end race-based politics too. One can dream, yes?

Till next time, this is Kucing signing out with a meritocratic Meow.