Kucing Gatal Speaks

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Party people

A few nights ago I was at a party and as usual indulged in my favourite pastime: people watching. There were the usual stereotypes - the popular group made up of cheerful, good-looking guys and girls dressed to kill and oozing with confidence; the slutty group made up of slim, sexy girls who couldn't afford to get enough material for a real dress and had to make do with little pieces of cloth wrapped around their boobs and hips; the boisterous drunks laughing louder and louder as the night progressed and the alcohol flowed freely; the cool group dressed in black huddled together, having a private, presumably intelligent, conversation; the socially awkward individuals who stood around here and there trying desperately to blend in and failing miserably; the people watchers like yours truly, mingling here and there and observing other partygoers during lulls in conversations.

It's amazing how much you can tell about a person from their behaviour at parties and realise how you've totally misjudged them. That girl you thought was quiet and nerdy, turning into a total party animal with the help of a couple of lethal cocktails; that guy you thought was an aloof jerk making a genuine effort to get to know you, the boss you thought was a no-nonsense strict guy being the life of the party and having a jolly good time, the girl you thought was your good friend busy flirting with the guy you've got your eye on (and you struggling not to claw her eyes out), etc.

My main observation that evening was that guys are way ahead of the girls in terms of confidence. Even the shortest, fattest, geekiest, most pockmarked guy would think he resembled Tom Cruise in some way and wouldn't hesitate to approach a girl if he thought he stood a chance.

Contrast this with the confidence factor in women (usually hovering around the zero mark). Even the most beautiful woman, dressed in the most stunning outfit, and looking more gorgeous than Aishwarya Rai, would occasionally be consumed with doubts about her own looks and attributes, and would wonder why men weren't approaching her.

Now this is something I've observed: men are attracted to confident women. Let's say two women are seated side by side - one is really pretty but is sitting with her arms folded and is looking down at the floor, at the walls, not meeting people's eyes. The other is so-so but she's smiling at everyone, holding a drink casually, making small talk with anyone who comes her way. Unless the guy is looking for a challenge, he is more likely to approach the second one.

Also, some guys naturally assume that the good looking one is high maintenance and would be a bitch. Of course, it doesn't stop them from trying to get into her pants.

One grouse that I have is that some guys use pretty women's plain-looking friends to get to know the pretty one. This is an underhanded tactic which makes the plain one feel attractive and loved for a while until they realise they are just being used. To those who favour this kind of tactic, karma's gonna bite you in the ass one day.

To those of you wondering what the point of this whole post is, there isn't one. I'm just listing out my general observations of human behaviour at a party. Feel free to add your own observations, comment about the stereotypes or agree with my assessment. Condemning my opinions or this post will shorten your life by about 2 whole days thanks to the hatred I will telepathically direct at you.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with an observant Meow.

Monday, October 17, 2005

My weekend fantasy

I was bored this weekend, which meant my mind was free to wander and think up nonsensical thoughts, the most interesting of which was "Malaysian celebrity I would most like to have an affair with".

I thought long and hard (but really, I don't know which of them are long and hard ;) and came to the following tragic conclusion: we have a dearth of yummy male celebrities in Malaysia. Oh sure, there's Hans Isaac, but you'll find more Jalaluddin Hassans and Mano Maniams on average than Alex Yoongs. And then you wonder why our women are falling in love with handsome Pakistanis instead. Mmm... Imran Khan .... mmmm. Another gorgeous Pakistani hunk here and a Bollywood hunkety hunk here - gets me wet everytime!

Of course, Jalaluddin Hassan fans will probably cry foul, screaming that their idol is "quite handsome what!" He's OK lah. But I wouldn't fantasise about him, you know what I mean? And forget local politicians, there are none that would even cross my mind. *Sigh* ... why can't we have politicians resembling Tony Blair?

And so I decided to launch an "Adopt a Celebrity" campaign for Malaysian girls and gay guys. All you have to do is pick your favourite hot male celebrity from anywhere around the world and persuade them to come live in Malaysia. Me, I'm picking James Marsden ...

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a swoony Meow.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


Isn't it sad that so many of us go through life accumulating regrets along the way? Our inhibitions stop us from revealing our innermost thoughts and desires even when we so badly want to share them.

We're afraid of how the other person may react when we tell them that we've secretly loved them since the day we saw them. We're afraid of losing our jobs if we tell our boss to shove his paperwork where the sun don't shine. We put up with loud and rude passengers on the train rather than risk their wrath by speaking up and telling them to lower their voices. We back down when challenged or threatened, only coming up with witty retorts much too late, then we bitch and moan about what we should have done. And all these add up to the databank of regrets we carry around with us throughout life.

I wonder what life would be like if everyone was free to speak their mind, without fear of repercussions. Would you tell your neighbour that you fantasise about her while sniffing her panties that you stole from her clothesline? Would you tell your wife that her cooking is really bad and the only reason you've been raving about it is because you're afraid she would burst into tears and move out if you told her the truth? Would you tell your colleague that he's incredibly slow and stupid and should have been fired long ago except for the fact that he's the boss's son?

Would you tell your friend that you secretly have the hots for her husband and that's why you hardly meet up with her anymore, afraid that your feelings will show?

Would you tell your mother that the RM500 she thought was stolen was actually "borrowed" by you to pay off some debts?

Would you tell that significant other in your life that you cheated on them when you were angry with them and wanted to get back at them?

Would you tell your husband that you are still in love with your ex even after having been married for 2 years?

Me, I'd run to my boss and tell him how often I've longed to sneak under his table and give him the best bj of his life while he's chairing a meeting ... ok i'm kidding. I long to tell him that I want to kick his ass so hard he'll need to hitch a ride with a passing space shuttle to get home.

What would you do?

Some things are better left unsaid I guess, and so we continue plodding through life bearing the burden of our guilt and regrets ...

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a regrettable Meow.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Plink in Bolehland

This post is dedicated to Plink as her reward for having won the Wordy Gurdy competition.

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Plink. She lived in a tiny faraway land known as Lionpore, ruled by a greedy monster known as the Gorman. The Gorman had nothing better to do than meddle in Lionporeans' lives, dictating what they should do and when they should do it. But Plink was happy. Food was plentiful, there was peace in the land and things ran smoothly.

Ever so often the Gorman would give a speech where it proclaimed Lionpore as the best land in the world and no other land could come close to it. It would then demand rewards for being a great leader and the Lionporeans would give it a portion of their wages. In time this system became automated and their wages were automatically deducted, and this became known as taxes. No one liked the system but no one dared complain because the Gorman was all powerful and could easily punish dissidents. The Lionporeans also quietly bore other issues like inflation, and would pay a lot of money for a small plate of fried noodles, because the Gorman assured them that Lionpore had the best food in the world and it was worth every Lionporean cent.

Plink grew up under the watchful eye of the Gorman. She played happily with her friends, safe and secure in her own little world. Plink liked nothing better than yakking for hours about nothing - this was known as sembang-sembang in Lionpore and many of its citizens were good at it; in fact some were so good at it they started puffing up with hot air, and some even floated away while still talking.

Then Plink started going to school, as the Gorman dictated, and had to wear a blue pinafore as a uniform. She didn't mind as blue was her favourite colour, but she wished that some of the other Lionporeans would shave their legs as they were an unpleasant hairy sight. But some Lionporeans refused to part with their hair, and said they had heard that females in other faraway places like Pizzaland didn't even shave their underarms, so why should they shave and put up with ingrown hair and stubble? Plink didn't agree with their logic, arguing that they were in Lionpore and it was the best place in the world and these unshaven heathens were bringing down the standard of the land. The other Lionporeans laughed at Plink, telling her not to believe everything the Gorman told her. Plink lashed out, defending her beloved Gorman, but the other Lionporeans only laughed harder. They told her there were other lands which were better, and many told her that just to the north lay an even more beautiful place known as Bolehland, where people were happy and free and frolic away while eating all day. Plink didn't believe them and stamped her foot angrily. "Lionpore is the best place in the world, Bolehland can never come close!" Then she ran off crying to Mrs Betty Yap, her favourite teacher, who consoled Plink.

"There, there, little one, what's got you so upset?" she asked Plink.

Plink told her about the other Lionporean's evil lies, expecting Mrs Betty Yap to cane each and every one of them for treason. But to her surprise, Mrs Betty Yap merely smiled and nodded. "It's true, I've been there and Bolehland is a truly magical place," she said gently. Plink couldn't believe her ears. Her beloved teacher was calmly sitting there telling her there was a better place than Lionpore. How could that be? All her life the Gorman had told her Lionpore was the greatest place in the world. She decided to confront the Gorman to find out the truth. But the Gorman was too busy to talk to Plink, it was implementing a new program where all Lionporeans who turned 18 would have to join the army. Above all else, the Gorman feared being invaded and losing its power, so it wanted to turn each and every Lionporean into a potential soldier, despite the fact that Lionpore was about as big as a mustard seed and not many other countries wanted it - and even if they did all they would have to do was sneeze on it and it would be theirs.

Disheartened, Plink decided to venture out and discover Bolehland for herself. But to leave Lionpore, she needed the Gorman's consent. No one was allowed to leave without the Gorman knowing. She needed a little book known as a passport and so she set about getting one. After a few days, her application was approved and she received her passport. She couldn't believe how ugly the Gorman had painted her picture in the passport, it was as if the Gorman was angry at people leaving Lionpore and would purposely draw the ugliest picture possible.

Nevertheless, Plink then set off for the border and was just about to cross it when a minion of the Gorman stopped her. "Are you 3/4 full? You can't go to Bolehland without being at least 3/4 full. If you're less than 3/4 full, please stop and eat now. The Gorman insists that you can't be hungry when leaving Lionpore.

"And remember, upon your return you will be searched, and if you bring back this nefarious item known as chewing gum, you will be caned!" he told her sternly. Plink had heard of chewing gum and how evil it was. It could stop doors from closing and could stick people to the ground, stopping them from going about their daily business. It could also set off nuclear bombs from remote locations and turn people into goats, which was why the Gorman had banned it. Plink was happy that the Gorman had the best interests of the people at heart, she certainly didn't want to be turned into a goat.

Plink then stepped gingerly across the border and was instantly in a whole new world. For one, there were many more people around and for another, they were of all colours and sizes and all seemed to live and work happily side by side. For another, people were speaking various languages, not just the two that Plink herself knew. Her ears picked up lots of aiyas, and aiyos, and alamaks and they all swirled around musically inside her head. She tried a dish known as nasi lemak and it was the best thing she had eaten in her life. She couldn't believe her eyes when she saw dogs and cats roaming freely along the roads, just waiting for people to come and claim as pets. In Lionpore, people could only get pets from petshops and had to pay a fortune for one. And here, free pets everywhere!

She was falling in love with Bolehland, but was curious as to who governed the country. While having lunch at a quaint little place under a tree, she heard people shouting, "Mamak, teh ais satu!" "Mamak, roti canai dua!" and Mamak this and Mamak that. She wondered if Mamak ruled Bolehland, and asked him. He laughed so hard his belly jiggled. "Little girl, I wish I did, but I only rule the stomachs of the people here. The real ruler is the Gorman," he told her.

Plink's jaw fell open. "The Gorman rules here as well?" she asked, incredulous.

"Why, yes, didn't you know? Where are you from?"


The mamak grimaced. "Ah, I know the place. Also run by another Gorman, a different one."

Plink blinked. She hadn't known there was more than one Gorman.

"What is this Gorman like?"

"Well, it tries to be good but it has a lot of issues to settle. It's not like your Gorman which is free to do as it pleases because Lionpore is so tiny. Our Gorman is too busy trying to integrate its different ethnic parts into itself to have time to meddle much with our lives," the mamak explained. "See, the Gorman here is made up of different body parts, mainly Malay, Chinese and Indian, and it is consistently working to ensure that each body part works well in sync with the others."

Plink digested this for a while. She was fascinated with Bolehland and wanted to live there but she also loved Lionpore despite the malicious Gorman. She was indecisive which annoyed her because her pet peeve was indecision.

After a lot of thought, Plink decided to live in Bolehland and see how things went. If she didn't like it, she could always return to Lionpore. Satisfied with her decision, she set off into the sunset, ready to start a new life ...

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a neighbourly meow.