Kucing Gatal Speaks

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Kucing Gatal’s Guide to Bahasa Badan

“Eh Kucing, how to tell when a girl likes me, ah?” asks a shy friend. Ah, the age-old problem. Shy boy meets girl, girl flirts with boy, shy boy is so dungu he doesn’t read the signs, and blows the opportunity.

So here is Kucing Gatal’s simple guide to body language for all shy people out there.

(1) He/she makes a lot of eye contact with you. Now, if someone doesn’t like you, they’re unlikely to try and catch your eye, or look directly at you while talking. So if that hot girl/guy looks at you a lot, especially while actually talking to someone else, it’s a positive sign.
Note: if a scary looking person is staring at you from across the room, and doesn’t look away even when you stare right back, and doesn’t smile either, make a run for it. Use your intuition, ok?

(2) He/she finds any excuse to talk to you, even if it’s just to ask where the toilet is. If you’re in a crowd, and you’ve been singled out to talk to, then take this as a positive sign. [OK, this is not strictly body language but it’s a very good telltale sign]
Note: this does not work if you’re working as an usher/doorman/ security guard/information officer/etc. In all those cases, if people are asking you where the toilet is, do NOT follow them thinking that they want a quickie with you. You’ll be looking for a new job in no time.

(3) For guys: if she thrusts her boobs forward while talking to you, this is a very good sign that she’s interested. If she sits with her legs and arms crossed, chances are she’s either very shy, in which case you’re wasting your time if you’re looking for a quickie, or she’s just not interested.

(4) For girls: if he tries to grab you in a playful manner, poke you, play with your hair, it’s a very strong sign that he’s keen on you. Of course, if he crosses the line and tries to molest you, kick him where it hurts, kick him again to let the message sink in, then walk coolly away.

(5) If he/she starts fiddling with things while you’re both deep in conversation, it means he/she is nervous, probably wanting desperately to make a good impression on you.
Note: if he/she is fiddling with a blade/knife/extra sharp toothpick/ weapon of any kind, get out of there ASAP.

There are a lot more tips, but Kucing Gatal thinks these are the most obvious. More importantly, these signs have been personally tested and come with the Kucing Gatal stamp of guarantee.

[Disclaimer: behaviour varies from human to human so Kucing Gatal will not be held responsible if these methods do not work, or if anything untoward happens. Apply at your own risk!]

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a warm Meow!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

To Shave or Not To Shave ..... Down There ...

Kucing Gatal was presented with a problem today. A close friend asked, "To shave or not to shave?" This friend is a pretty gal, and has many guys after her. She doesn't have a steady boyfriend at the moment but is playing the padang, so to speak. Anyway, the current guy she is "seeing" is a bit boring in bed, according to her. She wants to spice up their sex life.

Now, this friend has done some pretty funny stuff in the past, but never shaved down there. The both of us have talked about it, even discussing if we should go for Brazilian waxes, but Kucing Gatal is an enemy of pain and so decided against it. "No gang no fun lah," my friend said, tossing the idea away too.

Now she is toying with the idea again. Having seen shaved pubes, and hearing that many guys love the sensation, she wants to go bald, but is afraid the guy she's seeing may freak out and run.

"He's not exactly a great catch, but he is quite sweet and showers me with presents regularly," she explained. Yeah, a bit materialistic, but hey, at least she's trying to do something for him.

"How, kucing ... shave or not?" she kept asking me. Finally I gave her my answer. Kucing Gatal's sage advice is to shave a bit first, and see what his reaction is like. Also, leave some pictures of naked girls with shaved pubes lying around, and see what he says. If he drools at the pics, then go for it. But if he cringes and generally reacts negatively, then abandon the idea at once.

She was very pleased with this advice, and will report the results to me soon.

Now Kucing Gatal's head is all puffed up, and very confident that she can dispense helpful advice to anyone. So this is an invitation to you people out there, to share your problems with the wise Kucing, and good advice shall be forthcoming. I want to be your Agony Aunt .... or Makcik Derita if you prefer.

Send your problems to kucing_gatal@hotmail.com or simply post them in the comments section. Anonymity assured!

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with an eager Meow.

Man Wanted

Kucing Gatal is bored out of her mind. If only a man would drop out of the sky into my warm welcoming lap ... not just any man, has to be intelligent, cute and well-mannered. Not asking for much, am I?

Men should come with built in microchips, and all women should have a gadget that automatically reads their masculinity, intelligence and wit. All you have to do is wave the gadget over the man's head (the one above the neck, you dirty-minded reader) and the reading appears. Voila! Saves you the trouble of dating them then dumping them when you discover they're intellectually challenged or don't measure up in bed.

Tea time now. Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a greedy Meow.

Dancing in the Rain is Just Not On!

Kucing Gatal has never danced in the rain with someone special. Listen up, anyone who thinks that is a sexy and romantic thing to do, think again! First of all, you're going to get WET. Think wet, limp hair, nothing sexy about that at all. All those movies you see, where the actress looks gorgeous even while her hair is plastered down by the relentless raindrops, is NOT REAL. Make up artists can do wonders, ok? In real life, you will look like a drowned rat. And you'll be too busy blinking those blasted raindrops out of your eyes to manage a sultry look at whoever's gazing at you.

Second of all, you're going to get COLD. Chattering teeth is not a turn on. And your limbs will soon be too stiff for you to do any suggestive swaying. Instead, you'll look like a retarded robot trying to do the lambada. So do yourselves and your image a favour, dash for cover as soon as the first raindrops fall.

Some men are real perverts. Correction: MOST men are real perverts. The only reason they want you standing in the rain is the hope of seeing your nipples through your blouse. And they're probably doing this while huddled under some shelter.

If the man is a gentleman, he may offer you a jacket. If you're lucky, he'll offer you his shirt, in which case you get to gaze on that luscious torso of his (assuming he is a looker. If he resembles John Goodman/Michael Jackson, run for your life the minute his hands move to his buttons).

Hmm, Kucing Gatal now has images of James Marsden with his shirt off... drenched in the rain ... ooh la la. The wet look suits men so much more, don't you think? Ladies, if you know any good looking men, make sure you hang out with them on rainy days, ok ... find any excuse to get them drenched! Spill something on your blouse and make him give you his shirt, if you have to. If you're really gatal, just rip your blouse surreptitiously, flash him a bit of boob, then tell him sweetly that you're freezing and need his shirt. Just remember, you yourself MUST stay out of the rain.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out, with a contented Meow.

The first Meow

Kucing Gatal is sick of all these kiasu blogs - the ones who post for the sake of posting, the ones that lack substance, the ones that try to be the first to blog about something new ... out of a wide range of blogs, only a handful are worth reading, really.

Now before you start sending me hate mail, take a moment to ponder what I have said. Go through the blog list on PPS, and see for yourself. If you agree with me, you're a classy, smart homosapien. If you disagree, you're not stupid, you're just not a discerning reader. Methinks the PPS admin should create some categories to better organise the local blogs - for example: News, Humour, Personal, Bitchy Gossip, etc.

Anyway, welcome to my blog. I cannot promise that it will be interesting, for I am a hypocritical Kucing Gatal. I may bitch about others, and then let my own blog slip into the depths of inaneness, depravity and what not.

Let the meowing begin!