That weak-kneed sensation

You know how sometimes when someone looks at you, your heartbeat quickens, you feel some electric tension and your insides start melting?

I had that sensation last night.

Had coffee with a male friend who's quite good looking, but we've never really flirted with each other or considered going out with one another, mainly because we don't really have much in common. But last night, as he stared into my eyes from across the table, I felt a spark. I quickly lowered my gaze and stared into my coffee cup instead, stirring the coffee endlessly. I started fidgeting, which is unlike me. Usually I can banter and debate with this guy, but I found myself tongue-tied for once, then I started babbling some rubbish, all the while looking down, as if I was talking to my coffee.

He seemed slightly amused. Those few times when I looked up at him, he glanced away, then gazed straight back into my eyes, a smile playing around his lips. There was a short moment of silence. I broke it by starting to babble about work. He kept staring. I kept stirring, babbling, fidgeting. What was wrong with me? Totally out of character, and my confidence had deserted me. Did he know my heart was thumping? Did he know I wanted to reach out, to hold his hands, to stroke his cheek, to kiss him? I was stunned at the depth of my sudden attraction to him. He seemed slightly different, more mature, more manly, as he sat there. I wondered what had changed. New cologne? No, he was wearing the same old CK fragrance. A new haircut? No, still the same old ruffled look.

"Kucing," he said suddenly, and the world came back into focus. I blinked away the fantasies of me and him getting it on in the cafe bathroom, and forced myself to look him in the eye. "I .... need to pee lah, I'll be right back!" he said, then quickly got up and headed for the gents. Hmmm, totally potong steam, but it gave me time to gather my thoughts. Had he been intending to say something else? There had been a slight pause after all. Was he feeling the same way I was? But this was my friend, for God's sake, and we were both interested in other people, though we were both still single. We talked about guys I liked, and girls he liked, and it had never crossed our minds to get together.

Had he slipped something into my coffee? Some love potion from some bomoh? Of course not, he wasn't interested in me. Such an absurd thought. Before I could come up with more theories for my sudden crush, he was back. "Sorry, too much coffee," he said, smiling at me. I had never really noticed the way the corners of his mouth turned up when he smiled. "Eh shuddup kucing, stop this nonsense!" my brain said. "His hands look so nice, wonder how they would look holding mine," my heart whispered.

"It's getting late, we should go," my mouth said. He looked surprised, then glanced at his watch. "So early?" he asked. I wanted to stay, to find out if he was going to tell me he suddenly found me irresistible, but my logical and stern side won out. There was nothing between us, I was probably in some loony romantic phase and he happened to be in the right place at the right time - my hormones obviously couldn't distinguish between friends and potential lovers. The best thing to do would be to leave before I said something stupid, and end up with my foot in my mouth.

As we walked to his car, I turned to him and said "Thank you for the coffee and your company." "The pleasure is all mine, kucing," he said. My heart started thumping again, he had never said that to me before, and there was just something in the way he looked at me. I wasn't imagining things. All kinds of things were racing through my mind, does he like me, is he flirting with me, he seems the same, why is he staring at me, why is his goddamn car so far away ...

Finally we reached his car and got in. The closeness of him only excited my thoughts further. When he shifted gear, would his hands accidentally brush mine? Was he going to take an extra long route home?

Nothing of that sort happened. He drove the exact same route to my place, he kept his hands to himself, and he kept up a light conversation during the short drive. Stupid men and their confusing ways, I cursed. How can he make me feel this way and not notice? When he pulled up outside the gate, he didn't park the car at the side of the road. He didn't even turn off the engine. He just looked at me, and I started babbling again. "Well, good night, thanks for the coffee, I enjoyed your company," I blurted out, smiling inanely at him. "Take care," he said. We both sensed the other had a lot more to say, but neither worked up the courage to say anything.

We looked at each other for a while, then hugged awkwardly - we always hug goodbye but this time it didn't feel as comfortable or friendly as usual. He patted my back. I wanted to nuzzle his neck and plant kisses all over his face. So close, his lips just a few inches away, my heart was urging me to make the first move.

Instead, I pulled away and got out of the car. "Bye," I waved, then quickly walked into my home, where I could be alone with my thoughts and develop a thousand and one regrets. "I should have asked him to come in .... I should have kissed him goodnight .... I should have waited longer at the cafe .... I should have stared back at him instead of looking away ..."

But sometimes, things are better left unsaid. What if I had totally misread him, and what if I had made a fool of myself? Better safe than sorry for now, I told myself.

Later that night, as I was dozing off, his SMS came through. "Goodnight Kucing, sweet dreams." I didn't reply, partly because I was annoyed that he was having this effect on me, and partly because I didn't want him to think I was awake and thinking of him. Besides, I hate it when men do this, they look like they're going to confess something, then pull back, leaving us women confused and wondering if he even feels anything for us. I wondered if he had felt any chemistry that night, I wondered if he had experienced that same melting sensation I felt as he looked at me.

I hate not knowing!

I'll be meeting him again in a few days' time, and by this time, I must get my hormones under control ....

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a wistful Meow.