Kucing Gatal Speaks

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Mudslinger and the Coconut Abuser

Congratulations to Mudslinger for winning the first ever Guessing Game on my blog. As promised, here's an entire post dedicated to her.

Please note that this is a fictitious, tongue-in-cheek agony aunt column.

Dear Kucing Gatal,
Please help me. Last Saturday as I was doing my weekly shopping at the pasar malam, I passed by a gerai selling coconut water. As I looked at the coconuts, my mind suddenly conjured up images of Kenny Sia. I could think of nothing else but Kenny Sia. I was supposed to buy watermelons but I ended up buying two coconuts instead (the lady was puzzled why I wanted coconuts instead of the juice but she sold them to me anyway).

The coconuts are now lying on my kitchen counter where I stare at them every few minutes. Kenny Sia has taken over my mind, his face appears everywhere. I was watching Finding Neverland and drooling over Johnny Depp when I went to the kitchen to get a drink. On my way back I looked at the coconuts, then for some reason, I kept seeing Kenny Sia on screen instead of Johnny Depp.

I've tried everything to get over this craziness, even meditating while surrounded by the smell of freshly-cut grass, wearing my lucky blue underwear, but nothing is working. I tried to throw away the coconuts but my hands refuse to obey. Please help me, I am starting to go out of my mind with this coconut/Kenny Sia obsession!

Coconutilly yours,
Mudslinger

Kucing Gatal says:

Dear Mudslinger,
You are not alone. Kenny Sia-itis has swept across the nation, and is now the number 1 social problem in Malaysia. He is responsible for the sudden surge in domestic coconut sales, which is affecting our economy since there are now less coconuts for export.

There is also an increase in coconut abuse, which has led to the creation of the group known as "Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Coconuts" (SPCC) whose motto is: "Coconuts Have Feelings Too".

I sympathise with your plight. I'm sure you want to get on with your life, and be able to enjoy a glass or two of coconut water without feeling sudden lust for Kenny Sia.

My advice: take the two coconuts and stand in front of a mirror. Hold a coconut in each hand, then lift your arms up as high as possible, stare at yourself in the mirror and say, "Kenny Sia is a coconut abuser." Repeat 20 times, take a 1 minute break, then repeat a further 20 times. Do this every two hours. The mental and physical torture combined will soon cure you of this Kenny Sia addiction.

If this fails, I suggest you go to Penang during Thaipusam, and watch as the devotees smash coconuts on the ground. As each one splits open, repeat to yourself: "Coconuts are just a fruit ... Kenny Sia abuses coconuts."

This should do the trick.

Disclaimer: I will not be responsible if you develop a sudden affinity with coconuts and an intense hatred for Kenny Sia.

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a coconutty Meow.

By the way I have nothing against Kenny Sia, I've just been wanting to write about his coconuts for some time now. ;)

9 Comments:

  • Hahahaa I suffer from Kenny Sia-itis too!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 04, 2005 2:04 PM  

  • I'm an avid Kennysian as well, but I've never been struck by coconutis before. Thankfully.

    By Blogger xaph, at August 04, 2005 3:35 PM  

  • I was watching Ultimate Guinness World Records last week, while waiting for CSI to start.

    They showed one guy set the record for most coconuts broken with karate chops.

    Coconut Karate Guy is definitely not the sort of person Kenny Sia would want to get too near to. A guaranteed cure for Kenny Sia-itis.

    *heheh*

    By Blogger tigerjoe, at August 04, 2005 3:43 PM  

  • I protest

    I protest

    I should've won this competition.

    Assassin! Assassin!

    By Blogger Pantani's 2nd Cousin, at August 04, 2005 4:15 PM  

  • hahaha! that's really funny KG...

    eh, btw, now that you mentioned it, i do feel drawn to the coconuts.. errr, i mean kenny sia's... *blush* no, not his coconuts... i mean kenny sia... no, not him the person... now i'm confused.... hahaha!

    thanks again!

    By Blogger mudslinger, at August 04, 2005 4:16 PM  

  • Anonymous: Try out my cure ;)

    Xaph: But when you look at coconuts, do you think of Kenny Sia?

    Tiger: Ouch!

    TheRoadie: Results are final and binding. The organiser will not entertain any protests. However, as I kesian you, I hereby award you with a medal for the pinkest basikal in Asia. Now go play far far.

    Mudslinger: Glad you enjoyed it! Was hoping you wouldn't get offended ;)

    By Blogger Kucing Gatal, at August 04, 2005 4:52 PM  

  • talk about coconut ok but if you talk about nuts better.... :)

    By Anonymous Endeavor, at August 05, 2005 9:49 AM  

  • Now why would you wanna make ppl hate coconuts?

    If you ever change your mind, I can always provide you with some of my coconut water, fresh from the source. ;)

    By Blogger Kenny Sia, at August 05, 2005 3:51 PM  

  • Euuuu...Kenny Sia's coconut water fresh from the source summore =P

    Nice one KG...ehehhe

    By Anonymous S-Kay, at August 06, 2005 3:19 AM  

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