Kucing Gatal Speaks

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Uncertain about marriage

Dear Kucing Gatal,

I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. My boyfriend of 3 years proposed to me on New Year's Day and totally surprised me. We had talked about marriage before but he always seemed uncertain. So when the question came, it took me by surprise. But what was even more surprising was my response. I thought I'd be really happy and say Yes immediately, but for some reason I didn't feel elated.

I told him I needed to think about it, and the look on his face said it all. First he looked stunned, then disappointed. He left soon after and since then, whenever we meet or speak on the phone, he sounds distant. I don't know if I'm imagining it but I think he's really pissed off.

I really don't blame him because prior to this I had always been the one harping on marriage. I don't know why I reacted the way I did. But I have to be honest to myself, I think I was more interested in the prospect of marriage than being married to him. He's a great guy but there seems to be something lacking in our relationship. I don't want to lose him, but at the same time, I don't want to marry him until I'm absolutely sure.

Kucing, what should I do? Every time I think I want to tell him why I responded the way I did, no words come to mind - I have no idea what to say that can convey my feelings accurately without hurting him and making him leave me. Please help.

Yours sincerely,
KL Gal


Kucing Gatal says:

Dear KL Gal,

I truly sympathise - it's not easy being in your situation. You haven't told me what seems to be lacking in your relationship - is it excitement, or romance, or something else entirely?

I gather that your man has thought a lot about marriage and has made the decision that he wants you to be his partner for life, and so understandably, he is upset.

The only thing I can tell you is to be totally honest with him. I think you're right in waiting until you're absolutely sure, and so you have to tell him that. You also have to be open about your relationship with him, talk to him about what it is you want out of it, and what he can do to improve it. You should also be prepared for him to tell you how he feels and whether he wants you to change in some way.

There's really no easy way to solve this apart from communicating better with each other. Also, be totally honest with yourself - why is it that after three years, you're still not sure if you want to be with this man?

Talk to him, and let me know how it goes. Good luck!

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a candid Meow.

15 Comments:

  • yikes..this IS a toughie. :( i kinda had the similar situation once but the only difference is it dawned on me that my x just wasnt the one i knew i would marry. there were just too many things that i knew wouldn't work out IF we were to really get married. wasnt long after that we broke off too. it was a LONG, sad & complicated story but i'm glad it's behind me now. :)

    By Anonymous yvy, at January 05, 2006 11:17 AM  

  • I think I'd probably react the way she did. Sometimes, when I have nothing better to think about...I would think about the what ifs and how woulds if my BF propose to me one of these years down the road. Before this, I knew I would be more than happy and be superbly excited but recently...it isn't the same anymore. It's not that I don't love him but I'm afraid...afraid of taking the next step out of my current comfort zone. Afraid that the excitement in a relationship would just die off because heck, I'm securely his for the rest of our lives unless he decides to change his mind. I mean, even now..after so long being together...he's somewhat more tidak apa towards my feelings compared to last time. I know it's definitely not because he doesn't love me as much anymore but more because he's comfortable and feels that I should get use to this part of him already and that I shouldn't expect things to always be the same or as exciting anymore. I understand that perfectly and hence tried to make the relationship as wonderful as possible but he's sometimes not helping me. I get frustrated everytime when my patience run out and he would call me unreasonable when I voice out my frustration. It's like, he prefers me to keep my thoughts to myself than spill it out. How am I to go on with these kinda rship if he continues wanting to live in denial and hopes that the rship is smooth sailing just because I'm forced to shut my mouth?

    Having said all that, we recently bought a home which is due to complete in 3 years time. Everytime when we think about building a home & our future together...we're like the happiest couple around and suddenly everything is back to normal.

    I'm confused. Part of me tells me that maybe I should still open my heart to other men but the other part of me loves him and this rship too much to want to give up so easily. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've tried my best to make the best out of this rship but he's not helping me make it better but instead, when I talk to him about how we both can improve ourselves...the whole argument just ends up backfiring at me.

    By Anonymous S-Kay, at January 05, 2006 4:35 PM  

  • I've been there, done that. If anyone wants my opinion, it's this:

    If you're not completely sure, then don't. Even people who've known each other for 10 years have found that they're better at being friends than spouses.

    By Blogger tigerjoe, at January 05, 2006 7:34 PM  

  • Aha..people like my parents perhaps..but then again..they're not even sure whether they'd be better off as friends. It's the 'risk' of the decisions you take and probably this is what that makes each relationship exciting in their own kinda way. If you don't take the next step then you'll never know what your heart truly wants. I guess it all then boils down to which side you're more keen to leaning on (staying on or leaving) and the strength of the relationship as well as the feeling you have towards it that would determine your decision. But most importantly, communication. If communication fails between the two person then I guess it's time to say goodbye to the rship.

    By Anonymous S-Kay, at January 06, 2006 4:10 AM  

  • ditto. went out with this wonderful guy for more than 8 years, have no doubt that if i had gone ahead and marry him, i would have been well looked after. it was very hard leaving him because despite the differences he is a fantastic guy but whenever i thought of marriage, it freaked me 8 times out of 10.I loved him but found hard to consider sharing my life with someone whom I felt never really understood me emotionally.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 06, 2006 8:50 AM  

  • eekkkss.....you all making me scared lar!!!! WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

    By Anonymous yvy, at January 06, 2006 12:12 PM  

  • Anon : Eh..I always ask myself this question...do you think that somewhere out there..there would ever be a man who would understand a woman emotionally ah? I seriously doubt so man because sometimes I myself can't even understand myself. If only all men can read minds. That'll save us all (girls) so much trouble.

    Yvy : If you're sure...you don't have to be afraid..hehehehe

    By Anonymous S-Kay, at January 06, 2006 2:28 PM  

  • KG: You've just been tagged... ish.... ;)

    The Big Question is scary, but I've had happily married friends tell me that doubt is natural at a time like this.
    Might the 'I'm not completely sure, but am willing to work with you at it,' approach work?

    By Blogger plink, at January 06, 2006 6:34 PM  

  • Plink: alamak, so far I've escaped these tags .. thanks a lot!!

    :P

    By Blogger Kucing Gatal, at January 07, 2006 6:24 PM  

  • I have come to realize that ... that wasn't a real meme and therefore I humbly decline this tag :P

    Plink, next time hit me with a real tag ok?

    By Blogger Kucing Gatal, at January 08, 2006 6:53 AM  

  • s-kay,to answer your question. i did not expect my ex to understand me completely but there were some issues that mattered in my relationship with him which required him to understand me emotionally, and it was not i never tried and tried to have talks with him again and again until one day my patience ran out.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at January 08, 2006 8:42 AM  

  • KG: Wokay....;) *starts work on next one*

    By Blogger plink, at January 08, 2006 4:46 PM  

  • Anon : Keep trying...I kept trying until I almost gave up but suddenly tadaaa...everything was bright and beautiful again because FINALLY I got through my words through his thick skull but of course, it was not without bloodshed...I mean..heated arguments. Heh

    By Anonymous S-Kay, at January 09, 2006 11:03 AM  

  • First of all love can't be really perfect in the first place in this world unless your in the movie or something other then that it doesnt exist anymore... any yet i dont know why people would choose and confront love as the most wanted thing in their life to survive and we always feel love is always wrong(which it always did after a break up or not working marriage) ... in this world have we ever ask will we ever marry to our dream guy/girl ... answer "never" it came to us that after we married then only we realize that he not the match and probally by luck in the near future 30's to 40's only we will started to understand each other ... that the fact of life

    i have seen more then enough of this people ragging and crying infront of me and majority ... love problem , marry problem and after married relationshhip problem....

    like mine .... i love my first x till now although it has been alreadi more then 8 years ... this prove that u can love someone but it doesnt mean when u love someone it has to be all the time with u physically but somewhere in your heart and don't trust on insticnt which always gave the wrong sense ..... let that someone who you love forever be in your heart this what i called true love and not some bullshit relationship thing of over something that goin to be exist in the future

    By Blogger Brian a.k.a Ocm, at January 10, 2006 3:07 PM  

  • Interesting. From 1 to 10, how certain are you in a relationship? (Suppose if your spouse proposed to you or you suggest of getting together and form a family)

    1: Least certain, I will agree and establish a legal union.

    10: Certain. I will think about it and reject the offer. Afraid.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at June 16, 2008 8:16 PM  

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