Marriage woes

A friend of mine (M) is convinced she's married to the wrong man. She's been married for just over a year but the constant bickering and bouts of silence have dampened her resolve to make the marriage work.

Before she tied the knot, M was convinced that this was the right guy for her. She kept gushing about how happy she was and how she would try and be the best wife in the world because she was so in love.

I was genuinely happy for her and as good girlfriends do, helped her out with the wedding planning and preparations. A week before the wedding, she dropped a bombshell.

"Kucing, I met someone else," she told me casually as she double checked the list of guests.

"Excuse me?" She made it sound like she was talking about the weather.

"It's this guy from work. He's really sweet and all, and we're so attracted to each other. But he knows I'm getting married so we kept our feelings under wraps. Until yesterday."

I dreaded to probe further, but M decided it was time to pour out her heart. She put the list away and turned to face me.

"We went out to dinner yesterday and for some reason we both found it hard to look the other in the eye. I felt like a teenager with a gigantic crush. At the end, when he walked me to my car, his hand brushed against mine and I swear I felt sparks," she said.

I frowned, about to remind her that she was engaged.

"Ya, ya, I know it's totally wrong of me," she said quickly. "But I don't know, Kucing, this guy evokes such strong feelings in me. Feelings that don't surface when I'm with H (her fiance)".

We discussed it in further detail. Apparently this colleague of hers had just broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years. It was obvious to me that he was on the rebound and probably chose M as a safe "target" since she was unavailable.

M had a good head on her shoulders and knew that she had to stop things then and there before things got out of hand. She assured me that she would forget all about her colleague and focus on the wedding.

What I didn't know was that the colleague was a real devil. He was skilled in the art of manipulation and knew how to get under M's skin. An SMS here, a phone call there, some sweet words now and then, and he had M thinking twice.

The night before her wedding she called me. "I'm afraid I'm making a mistake," she wailed.

I assumed it was the normal jitters all brides-to-be went through. But M was convinced that marrying H would be a mistake. Long story short, she decided that she couldn't embarrass her family and call off the wedding at the last minute, so she decided to go through with it.

I warned her to think seriously about it and wanted her to be fair to H. But deep down, I think she truly loved H and was just experiencing some normal fears, and the colleague was just an excuse.

The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride and groom looked radiant, their faces beaming happily in every photo. Everyone remarked how they looked perfect together.

I noticed at one point that M was looking at someone so I turned and noticed a man looking back at her. Was that her colleague? When I got the opportunity, I asked her.

"Yes, that's him," she said.

"Why the hell did you invite him to your wedding? Are you bloody crazy?" I practically screamed.

"Calm down, Kucing, I'm getting married, aren't I? I'm doing the right thing," she said, then smiled sadly.

I let the matter drop. M was old enough to make her own decisions, whatever others may think of them. The day finally ended and M and H went off on their honeymoon.

Much later, when I met up with M again, she told me how the first few weeks were wedded bliss. Everything was rosy and promising, but then cracks started to appear. She started noticing little traits about H that she didn't like. I told her that all couples would go through that. "You never truly know a person until you marry them," I said.

"Ya, but Kucing ... what if I married the wrong guy?"

I was pissed off. "M, only YOU can know that for sure. And only you can make the marriage work. And remember how happy you were when H popped the question? You were so sure that H was the only guy for you!"

M told me she had kept in constant touch with that devil colleague of hers. I knew then that M had reserved a place in her heart for him.

"If you truly want your marriage to work, forget about that colleague of yours. Don't think about the what-ifs, and remind yourself about H's good traits," I advised her.

M knew this was the right thing to do, but her resolve was weak. She couldn't bring herself to cut the devil out of her life. Her marriage began to suffer and H spent more time at work just to avoid coming home to an argumentative wife.

I watched this happening and felt powerless. I wondered why M had gone through with the wedding in the first place if she wasn't sure of her feelings anymore. Surely a little embarrassment caused by calling it off would have saved her years of mental anguish stuck in a failing marriage, I thought. But then, I've not been in that situation so I wouldn't know. Maybe I would do the same thing, who knows?

I recently found out that the colleague has been posted overseas and my first reaction was "good riddance!". I thought M could finally get him out of her life and get on with saving her marriage.

M was really upset to hear he was leaving. She had never done anything physically with him, but had relied on him for emotional support. She actually cried when she heard the news. I hadn't realised that she had become so emotionally attached to the devil.

M now has a chance to focus on fixing whatever's wrong with her marriage, with the devil out of the picture. I don't know if they will keep in touch via email and phone but I really hope that she cuts him out of her life once and for all. H is a nice guy and though he may have his flaws, nobody's perfect. He really loves M and she just needs to ignore his shortcomings or communicate better with him.

That's what I believe, but then again I'm just a third party looking in - I don't know the full picture. To be fair to M, she IS a good wife. She looks after H well, keeps their house clean and is nice to his friends and family. Maybe H really drives her crazy with his flaws, maybe she has tried to change him but he refuses to, maybe he doesn't spend enough time with her or lavish enough attention on her.

Whatever the case may be, for both their sakes, I hope things do work out - they really do make a good couple.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a hopeful Meow.