Marriage: Tips to regain that spark

An email from a troubled reader:

Dear kucing gatal,
I've married to my husband for 4 years now. However, lately, I found that our love making is not as hot and steamy as before. Well, I would say that the lovemaking is not the best compared to my ex, but I loved him dearly, he has most of the charateristics you would look for as a husband, less the lovemaking part, lah..

So, the problem now is, everytime I'm with him, I have to imagine being with my ex so that I would be 'ready' for him..U know what I mean. And the orgasm? Well, as u might expect, i faked it, and I have this fear that I will never have an orgasm....EVER!

Please help, I love my husband so much, but how do I get the spark again?

-Desperate Housewife-

Kucing Gatal says:
Dear Desperate Housewife,

Congratulations on hooking yourself a great husband - good men are so hard to find these days. Make sure you hang on tightly to that jantan of yours ;)

Losing the spark after marriage is a common problem faced by spouses everywhere. This usually occurs once the physical attraction between two people have lessened somewhat, and this is normal when a couple have been living together for some time.

I note that you love your husband dearly, but are you still physically attracted to him? Has he changed in any way in the past 4 years? Did you always stick to the same lovemaking routine? There should be some underlying reason(s) for this problem, but since I lack the facts, I'll have to generalise.

I have no idea why you broke up with your ex, but the fact that you imagine being with him reveals that you don't hate him. Perhaps there are some subconscious reservations you have about not having married him instead? Many women imagine they are with some famous actor when they're making love, or some other famous personality. The fact that you specifically chose your ex could be an indication of some emotional baggage.

As for faking the orgasm, that's normal too, but I understand your need to have the real thing. Before your lovemaking grew stale, did you have orgasms? Or have you been faking for the past 4 years? Do you communicate with your husband in bed, i.e. show/tell him what you like? Even if it's non-verbal, this sort of communication works wonders in improving sex lives. Perhaps you're shy to tell your husband what turns you on, in which case I would advise you to get over the shyness because the only one losing out is you.

To put the zing back into your sex life, the first thing to do would be to break away from routine. Don't make love at the same time and in the same position each time. Find out when your libido is at its peak, and do it then. Try new positions. Enjoy weekend getaways or mini-vacations where you focus on each other and nothing else. Treat him to a new haircut or new clothes - something that will increase your attraction to him. Think of all the little things he does to keep you happy - this will increase romance which in turn leads to a better sex life. Watch adult movies together. Use sex toys if you can, this will help to enhance the overall experience. Increase foreplay - take the time to thoroughly explore each other.

There are tons of tips on how to make your love life sizzle, all easily available on the Internet. However, these tips alone will not remain effective over the long term if you do not communicate well with your husband. I cannot stress enough how important good communication is in a relationship.

If your husband is considerate, and I believe he is since you said he has all the good husband characteristics, he will listen and learn and apply new techniques to his lovemaking. After all, men like the feeling of being able to bring a woman to orgasm, make her toes curl, make her scream out his name in delight. So do both him and yourself a favour and tell/show him what turns you on!

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a spiced up Meow.