Kucing Gatal Speaks

Sunday, August 21, 2005

De Bastard: Finale

I didn't get much sleep that night, or the next few nights. J called a few times, but he never mentioned DB and I didn't bring up the topic. I pretended that everything was normal.

I didn't hear from DB for 3 days. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and SMSed him. "Hi, how are you ... wanna go for lunch?"

He didn't reply until about half an hour later. "Sorry, already got plans. Hope you're well."

I realised he was going to pretend nothing had happened between us. Had he just wanted to use me, and since I didn't sleep with him, he was mad at me? Or did he really care about me and J and didn't want to break up our relationship? Or was he just playing some mind game with me?

Fine, I thought. Two can play at this game. And so I ignored DB too although he was constantly in my thoughts and dreams. I decided that J was a far better man, and that I was much better off with him.

The day before J was due home, DB called. "Hi Kucing, how are you?" he asked cheerfully.

"Fine."

"I'm in the neighbourhood and wondered if you wanted to grab a coffee," he said.

I hated myself for being weak. I hated the fact that my heart was racing just at hearing his voice. I hated the fact that I said "Sure!" without even a second thought.

Half an hour later we were seated at one of my favourite cafes. The conversation was lighthearted. No mention of that night, no mention of our feelings for each other.

But I had to get it out of my system and so broached the topic tentatively. "Listen, about that night .... what's going to happen next?" I asked him.

DB was quiet for a while, and looked away. I wondered if he had even heard me.

"I think it's best we don't talk about it again. I respected your decision that night, and like I said, I don't want to come between you and J. Don't worry about my feelings, I will make sure nothing like that happens again," he finally said.

My mind was in turmoil. We had already crossed the line, and now DB was backing off? But he had specifically said he had feelings for me. How could he dismiss them just like that?

"Because he's a man ... and a buaya to boot," a little voice inside me said. Men aren't as complex as women. They don't experience a myriad of emotions over one incident the way we do. And now I was discovering DB's true colours.

"By the way, I have a date tonight," he mentioned casually.

I blinked. Concentrated on stirring my coffee. "That's nice," I finally said.

"Ya, I met her a few days ago at a nightclub. She's really hot," he grinned.

"Lucky you," I managed to say civilly. What I really wanted to do was pour my hot coffee down his pants and stalk off. "J's coming home tomorrow, I can't wait," I said.

"Gonna give him a sizzling welcome home, I bet," DB said, still grinning.

"Yep, of course, I always do," I said, avoiding his gaze.

Silence stretched between us. Finally I gulped down what was left of my coffee and told him it was time to go.

He dropped me straight back home, and I was alone with my thoughts once more. I could think of nothing else except how I had made a fool of myself with him, but thankful we hadn't gone beyond kissing. Finally all my pent-up emotions came rushing to the surface and I wept. Self-pity, self-loathing, hatred for DB, love for J, longing for DB, anger at my weakness, guilt for what I had done, it was all too much for me.

I cried until I had no tears left. Then I called M, and poured out the whole story. Instead of scolding me as I had expected, she was gentle and sympathetic. "See Kucing, I told you that feller is a buaya. The only thing you can do now is avoid him completely. And don't tell J anything," she advised.

"How can I not tell J? I don't want to be unfair to him. And if he's done something behind my back I'd want to know too," I argued.

"What good can come out of telling him? He'll dump you, Kucing. Is that what you want?"

"No," I said, and my voice started to quiver. I was about to burst into tears again. "I'll call you later," I told M hastily and hung up. Another wave of emotions washed over me, this time all involving J. Dear sweet J who had suspected something yet trusted me. Dear loving J who was steadfastly loyal to me and expected the same of me. Dear darling J who didn't deserve a person like me.

I decided to tell him the truth.

And I did, a couple of days later. He was justifiably upset and said he needed time to think things through. I won't go into the details, but a week later we broke up.

I understood why. J needed someone who was emotionally loyal to him - even if she had strayed physically but loved only him, he would have forgiven her. But in my case I had fallen for DB. It was this emotional attachment to DB that J couldn't handle. I wasn't as devastated as I'd thought I would be. In fact, J and I remain friends and occasionally meet up. He harbours no grudge against me, and is now engaged to a lovely lady.

As for DB, we seldom saw each other after that. Whenever we met, that familiar spark returned and I fell for him all over again. Each time I vowed not to meet him again, I ended up going against my better judgment and put myself through the cycle of emotional pain again.

One night we met in a nightclub. He was obviously intoxicated and was making out with a girl right next to me. Then he turned to me and asked me to dance. I said no. He started dancing with the girl instead. Finally they got tired and came back to our table. He sat right next to me and put his arm around me. "Kucing, don't be so proud, come dance with me," he slurred. "No," I repeated firmly. He decided that no meant yes and dragged me by the hand to a corner where he put his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder. "That's it Kucing, just dance with me for a little while," he whispered into my ear. Then he started nuzzling my ear. I pushed him away but he held me tighter. "C'mon Kucing, aren't you enjoying this?" he asked. "What's wrong, why are you pushing me away?"

"You KNOW damn well why," I said angrily. It was the last straw. I would not allow him to play with my emotions any longer. "I know," DB said, unexpectedly gently. His eyes softened as they looked into mine. "I'm sorry Kucing," he said.

I pushed him away and made my way back to the table. I started talking to another friend and ignored DB completely, who had gone back to making out with the girl. Anger coursed through me. Anger at my own stupidity for having fallen for a bastard who obviously never had any intention of being in a relationship. A player through and through.

Since that day, I've managed to look at DB as just an acquaintance and nothing more. I've accepted the fact that I made a mistake, and won't allow it to repeat itself. Throughout it all, M has been very supportive, putting up with my miserable moods and listening to me rant and rave about DB. I'm truly grateful to have a friend like her - she helped to put me back on the right path, and I vow not to stray from it again.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a wiser Meow.

18 Comments:

  • that was totally shite. your experience, not the post. *ten points to me for stating the obvious*

    By Anonymous James, at August 21, 2005 3:01 PM  

  • I cud not hv said it better than James. Players are just in for the thrills but karma will always get them. No doubt abt that...

    By Blogger Shanker, at August 21, 2005 6:12 PM  

  • Kucing, after reading your story, I've a newfound respect for you, and J.

    I think it's downright honorable of you to tell J of what you did with DB on that night. While you ended up with a broken relationship, I personally feel that you being honest to yourself and to J, is better than you being promiscuous behind J's back.

    And J? He sounds like a real man to me; strong, faithful, proper, and mature. It's good that he still respects you, and still maintains contact with you.

    Now that's a man ^_^

    (Okay, I've found my new anonymous role model.)

    Kucing, you'll find another good man in the future. I know you will ^_^

    By Blogger xaph, at August 21, 2005 8:19 PM  

  • agree with shan.....DB is SO gonna get his ass kicked one of these days. might not be today OR tomorrow...but his time will come, i'm quite sure of it. glad u learnt your lesson although the hard way. sometimes, it's only through such hard lessons that we realise our mistakes and learn from it. sad and painful, but true.

    By Blogger mistyeiz, at August 21, 2005 8:21 PM  

  • gee, sorry to hear that as i can feel the piercing thru heart.. it will be a lesson to all of us to be wiser in the future. Indeed i was stupid to fall for a Oh So Charming that brought me haunting nightmares and horrible treatments.. I truly respect such brave decisions you made and I really look up to that! As wat the others had mentioned, you will find a true man with everlasting love
    http://www.livejournal.com/users/galactics/

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 21, 2005 8:41 PM  

  • sorry for u kucing...agree with shan...anyway experience taught us to be more wiser and stronger...

    By Anonymous hush, at August 22, 2005 8:58 AM  

  • Nola, you not kucing 'gatal' at all :)

    By Anonymous BawangMerah, at August 22, 2005 1:15 PM  

  • just a question KG, have u been a playgirl? mebbe it was karma. not implying jus asking... hehe :)

    By Blogger Shanker, at August 22, 2005 9:24 PM  

  • so sad.. at least you were honest with J. that counts for a lot, as evident by the fact both of you remain friends.

    By Anonymous Aku, at August 23, 2005 12:22 PM  

  • James, Shan, Mistyeiz, Anonymous, Hush: Yes, DB was a player and I was foolish to fall for him. Wisdom comes with experience ...

    Xaph, Aku: Yes, honesty is always the best policy.

    Shan: Playing is fun :P Seriously though, there's a limit to everything. I would never hurt someone the way DB hurt me. And I would never repeat what I did to J.

    By Blogger Kucing Gatal, at August 23, 2005 5:26 PM  

  • *weeping*
    tissue pls...

    By Blogger Butterflyn, at August 25, 2005 2:21 PM  

  • Speaking as a man, you shouldn't have told J. Unless you were subconciously wanting to break up with him.

    By Blogger Shag, at August 25, 2005 5:23 PM  

  • but Shag, if she din tell him abt DB and if he found out den that wud be even shittier... like definate break up.

    honesty is always the best policy!!! lies will always come back to haunt you sooner or later..

    By Blogger Shanker, at August 26, 2005 9:47 PM  

  • you plenty stupid i'll tell you that.just got to reading your post.u had a diamond in your hands and you let it go. you fell for a pretty face.this so called love drama of yours is just another 'rush' for your vanity..'you did the right thing, you told J, you were honest'. the right thing would have been not to get involved with DB at all. Don't you know if you play with fire, you get burned.let me ask you this, if DB was not a good looking fellow but only had a wonderful character, would this have even happened? dimples indeed.you deserve whatever has happened to you, 10-fold. i can take comfort in knowing that there are still good men like J out there available for us to be with once people like you screw up and waste a good thing.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 27, 2005 10:28 PM  

  • Anonymous, you plenty stupider. You obviously cannot understand that I've already learned from this experience and have vowed not to repeat it. Can you honestly tell me you've never made a mistake in your life? And methinks you're a coward too for not even putting a nick, let alone a blog link, assuming you have one, to go with your comment.

    By Blogger Kucing Gatal, at August 28, 2005 1:00 PM  

  • Yeah, regardless of what you say, you're are the loser in the whole drama minggu ini. I'd rather be a coward than a self-righteous loser like you for betraying the trust of a good man. And you believe you've thought all of us something with your honesty, it aint new,it's old hun. I bet you will repeat the same mistake again. Or worse.And by the way, someone like me should be around to take all the sweet comments out of your blog. I mean come on, you want people to write and comment, take the sweet with the sour. And a slap in the face would do you some good(and that's for J)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 29, 2005 7:09 PM  

  • you came clean . that's all it matters doesn it. ? imagine if u've never come clean about it.. and then J never found out about it .. how heavy a burden would it make ?

    By Anonymous ken, at September 02, 2005 1:16 AM  

  • *sigh*..so that's how it ended huh?
    I dun blame you KG..with all these assholes lurking around looking for victims I dun regret my past occupation of not getting into relationships but just *F* and Forget..*F* and *F* I call it..
    My now bf? He's smooth but if he values me for wat I am he wont even dare try, but who's to know?

    By Blogger BLaCkFeLiNe, at September 05, 2005 11:24 AM  

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