De Bastard: Finale

I didn't get much sleep that night, or the next few nights. J called a few times, but he never mentioned DB and I didn't bring up the topic. I pretended that everything was normal.

I didn't hear from DB for 3 days. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and SMSed him. "Hi, how are you ... wanna go for lunch?"

He didn't reply until about half an hour later. "Sorry, already got plans. Hope you're well."

I realised he was going to pretend nothing had happened between us. Had he just wanted to use me, and since I didn't sleep with him, he was mad at me? Or did he really care about me and J and didn't want to break up our relationship? Or was he just playing some mind game with me?

Fine, I thought. Two can play at this game. And so I ignored DB too although he was constantly in my thoughts and dreams. I decided that J was a far better man, and that I was much better off with him.

The day before J was due home, DB called. "Hi Kucing, how are you?" he asked cheerfully.

"Fine."

"I'm in the neighbourhood and wondered if you wanted to grab a coffee," he said.

I hated myself for being weak. I hated the fact that my heart was racing just at hearing his voice. I hated the fact that I said "Sure!" without even a second thought.

Half an hour later we were seated at one of my favourite cafes. The conversation was lighthearted. No mention of that night, no mention of our feelings for each other.

But I had to get it out of my system and so broached the topic tentatively. "Listen, about that night .... what's going to happen next?" I asked him.

DB was quiet for a while, and looked away. I wondered if he had even heard me.

"I think it's best we don't talk about it again. I respected your decision that night, and like I said, I don't want to come between you and J. Don't worry about my feelings, I will make sure nothing like that happens again," he finally said.

My mind was in turmoil. We had already crossed the line, and now DB was backing off? But he had specifically said he had feelings for me. How could he dismiss them just like that?

"Because he's a man ... and a buaya to boot," a little voice inside me said. Men aren't as complex as women. They don't experience a myriad of emotions over one incident the way we do. And now I was discovering DB's true colours.

"By the way, I have a date tonight," he mentioned casually.

I blinked. Concentrated on stirring my coffee. "That's nice," I finally said.

"Ya, I met her a few days ago at a nightclub. She's really hot," he grinned.

"Lucky you," I managed to say civilly. What I really wanted to do was pour my hot coffee down his pants and stalk off. "J's coming home tomorrow, I can't wait," I said.

"Gonna give him a sizzling welcome home, I bet," DB said, still grinning.

"Yep, of course, I always do," I said, avoiding his gaze.

Silence stretched between us. Finally I gulped down what was left of my coffee and told him it was time to go.

He dropped me straight back home, and I was alone with my thoughts once more. I could think of nothing else except how I had made a fool of myself with him, but thankful we hadn't gone beyond kissing. Finally all my pent-up emotions came rushing to the surface and I wept. Self-pity, self-loathing, hatred for DB, love for J, longing for DB, anger at my weakness, guilt for what I had done, it was all too much for me.

I cried until I had no tears left. Then I called M, and poured out the whole story. Instead of scolding me as I had expected, she was gentle and sympathetic. "See Kucing, I told you that feller is a buaya. The only thing you can do now is avoid him completely. And don't tell J anything," she advised.

"How can I not tell J? I don't want to be unfair to him. And if he's done something behind my back I'd want to know too," I argued.

"What good can come out of telling him? He'll dump you, Kucing. Is that what you want?"

"No," I said, and my voice started to quiver. I was about to burst into tears again. "I'll call you later," I told M hastily and hung up. Another wave of emotions washed over me, this time all involving J. Dear sweet J who had suspected something yet trusted me. Dear loving J who was steadfastly loyal to me and expected the same of me. Dear darling J who didn't deserve a person like me.

I decided to tell him the truth.

And I did, a couple of days later. He was justifiably upset and said he needed time to think things through. I won't go into the details, but a week later we broke up.

I understood why. J needed someone who was emotionally loyal to him - even if she had strayed physically but loved only him, he would have forgiven her. But in my case I had fallen for DB. It was this emotional attachment to DB that J couldn't handle. I wasn't as devastated as I'd thought I would be. In fact, J and I remain friends and occasionally meet up. He harbours no grudge against me, and is now engaged to a lovely lady.

As for DB, we seldom saw each other after that. Whenever we met, that familiar spark returned and I fell for him all over again. Each time I vowed not to meet him again, I ended up going against my better judgment and put myself through the cycle of emotional pain again.

One night we met in a nightclub. He was obviously intoxicated and was making out with a girl right next to me. Then he turned to me and asked me to dance. I said no. He started dancing with the girl instead. Finally they got tired and came back to our table. He sat right next to me and put his arm around me. "Kucing, don't be so proud, come dance with me," he slurred. "No," I repeated firmly. He decided that no meant yes and dragged me by the hand to a corner where he put his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder. "That's it Kucing, just dance with me for a little while," he whispered into my ear. Then he started nuzzling my ear. I pushed him away but he held me tighter. "C'mon Kucing, aren't you enjoying this?" he asked. "What's wrong, why are you pushing me away?"

"You KNOW damn well why," I said angrily. It was the last straw. I would not allow him to play with my emotions any longer. "I know," DB said, unexpectedly gently. His eyes softened as they looked into mine. "I'm sorry Kucing," he said.

I pushed him away and made my way back to the table. I started talking to another friend and ignored DB completely, who had gone back to making out with the girl. Anger coursed through me. Anger at my own stupidity for having fallen for a bastard who obviously never had any intention of being in a relationship. A player through and through.

Since that day, I've managed to look at DB as just an acquaintance and nothing more. I've accepted the fact that I made a mistake, and won't allow it to repeat itself. Throughout it all, M has been very supportive, putting up with my miserable moods and listening to me rant and rave about DB. I'm truly grateful to have a friend like her - she helped to put me back on the right path, and I vow not to stray from it again.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a wiser Meow.