Kucing Gatal Speaks

Friday, August 19, 2005

De Bastard: Part 4

If J suspected anything, he didn't mention it. He behaved exactly the same as before, loving and sweet. We went out a few times with M, and on a few occasions, De Bastard turned up as well.

It was a bit awkward for me, but J seemed to be at ease and got along well with him. M would shoot me some sharp looks every now and then if she caught me gazing at De Bastard. I would be holding J's hand, yet wonder what it would be like if I was holding DB's instead. DB would sometimes make statements that made me wince inwardly, like "J, you're so lucky to have Kucing" and "If I was with Kucing, I'd take her to ...." and so on. J didn't seem to mind and would even agree with DB. But as far as possible, I tried to keep them apart. I'd arrange meetings with M when I knew DB wouldn't be around. I was determined to maintain my relationship with J and not let DB conquer my heart.

I failed miserably, on both counts.

About a month later, J was sent overseas again for another 2 weeks. When we got to the airport, my heart nearly stopped when he turned to me and said, "Kucing, I'm not blind, I can see that you're attracted to DB."

I stared at him, lost for words.

"But it's only natural, he's a handsome devil after all," he smiled. I wondered how J could actually stand there and smile at me, knowing that his girl was attracted to someone else. "I also know that he's attracted to you, it's pretty obvious in the way he looks at you and talks about you," he said.

My heart soared at this. DB liked me? Really? I had never told him how I felt, but had always wondered if he felt the same way. A moment later I came crashing back down to earth.

J looked straight into my eyes. His smile had disappeared. "Kucing, I don't know just how much you like this guy. You know I love you to bits, and I don't want to live without you. But if you really want to be with DB, please let me know. Don't do anything behind my back. I won't be able to take it if I find out from someone else," he said.

How I loved this guy. How many men would be calm in a situation like this? I wanted to reassure him, to tell him I loved him and only him, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but looking deep into his eyes, I couldn't say anything. Deep down inside, I knew it would be a lie. I sensed the hurt he felt by my silence, and hugged him tightly. "Have a good trip, J," I said weakly.

How had I fallen for DB so quickly? How had I been able to open my heart to two men? Could I give up my love for an almost perfect man, and choose to be with a bastard instead?

I had no answers to these questions.

Back home, I deleted all the SMSes from DB. I wanted to erase him from my life, but it was a futile attempt. A couple of hours later, he SMSed me, wanting to meet up. Without even thinking twice, I said OK.

We went for dinner, then caught a movie. It was a good movie, but I couldn't concentrate much as DB was sitting very close to me, his arm touching mine. Occasionally his knee would brush against mine. My whole body felt hot, and my mind was getting fuzzy. As the movie finally ended, DB stretched lazily and announced that he was hungry again. "Let's go for supper," he said. Eager to make the night stretch for as long as possible, I agreed.

We sat at the mamak's for the longest time. Long after our food and drinks were finished, we were still yakking it up. I was amazed at how much we had in common. We were laughing at something when a girl in a skimpy outfit walked past our table. DB's eyes darted towards her figure. I felt a sudden surge of jealousy and tried to dismiss it. But I couldn't shake off the feeling.

"You think she's hot?" I asked him, thankful that my voice wasn't quivering like my insides.

"Nah, she's ok," he said, bringing his attention back to me. "Actually I kind of like someone else anyway," he said, smiling at me. Zing zing zing, my heart went.

"Really? Anyone I know?" I asked casually.

"Oh ya, you know her very well."

"Hmm, is it M?"

"No."

"Err, I have no idea who it is. Tell me," I demanded.

"Can't you guess, Kucing?" he teased.

"I don't know lah ...."

DB was silent for a while.

"When the time is right, I'll tell you who it is," he said. The dimples flashed in and out as he smiled, his eyes twinkling.

Stupid jantan, I thought. Tormenting me like this. "Stop being perasan!" a voice inside me scolded. "He's got a lot of women after him, and besides, you know he's been hanging out with other girls lately!"

I changed the subject to something safer. We continued talking for another half an hour, then DB yawned. "Sorry Kucing, I'm a bit tired. Shall we go?" he asked.

I was feeling sleepy by then as it was very late. "OK," I said and got up.

"Eh, is this your grandfather's stall? You think the meal is free?" DB laughed.

I sat down again, embarrassed that I'd totally forgotten about the bill. A few minutes later, after DB had paid (dismissing my offer to pay), we walked to his car.

"Eh Kucing, I forgot to tell you. I finally got new furniture for my place. I even got new curtains and everything," DB said suddenly.

"Oh?"

"Ya, everything looks so much better now. Hey, why don't you come over and see? Maybe you can even suggest some more improvements," he said casually.

My mind started yo-yoing. I'd never been to DB's place before, and I knew it wasn't a good idea to go there alone, what more late at night. But another part of me was longing to be with him for as long as possible.

In the end, the foolish part of me won out.

As we stepped into his apartment, I looked around. It was very tastefully decorated. I suspected some ex-es of his had probably given him some of the stuff lying around, and possibly even decorated the place themselves.

"Very nice," I praised.

"Come see the sofa," he called out from the living room.

A cream coloured leather sofa took up most of the room. "Sit, sit," DB said, patting the seat next to his. "Comfortable or not?"

"Very," I said, as I sank into the chair.

DB got up. "Come see the kitchen," he said, and suddenly pulled me by my hand. I walked with him to the kitchen and looked around dutifully. "Very nice," I said, standing in the doorway.

DB was right behind me, I could feel his warm breath on my neck. I didn't dare turn around, and started babbling about how nice the cupboards were.

His hands rested on my shoulders. And without warning, he kissed the side of my neck.

My insides melted completely and my knees nearly buckled. I pulled away and turned to look at him. Wordlessly, he held my hand and brought me to the sofa where we sat side by side.

"Kucing, I think you know how I feel about you," he said earnestly. "But I also know that you're with J and that you guys are madly in love. He's a decent guy and I really don't want to come between the both of you."

He held my hand for the longest time, stroking it gently. The silence between us stretched into minutes. My throat had closed up and I couldn't say a word. He kept stroking my hand and gazing into my eyes. I looked down and admired his fingers, then intertwined his hand with mine.

"I like you a lot, Kucing, and I really wish I had met you before J did," he whispered. A part of my mind was screaming out at me, don't do this to J, get up and get out of there now! But my legs wouldn't obey. All I could do was sit there and look at DB.

He leaned towards me, and before I could register what was happening, he kissed me. Gently, softly, slowly. Pulling away, he said, "I've wanted to do that for ages." Then he kissed me gently again.

I kissed him back. We were lost in our own little world. Everything else had melted away.

"Stay the night," DB urged. That broke the spell. I pulled away and sat up straight. "I can't," I said.

"I don't want you to go, Kucing."

"I have to go. Can you please send me home now?"

DB looked dazed, then got up and picked up his car keys. "OK, let's go," he said.

I didn't look at him. Put on my shoes wordlessly, walked out of the apartment, walked to his car. Then my resolve weakened and I hugged him tightly. He kissed me again. "Don't go ..."

Something in me gave me the strength to do what was right. I let go of him and looked away. Giving up, he unlocked the doors and got in the car.

The silence in the car was heavy and tense. We both knew that we just wanted to be with each other, but knew it was wrong. Why is it that things are always sweeter and more exciting when they're forbidden?

We finally reached my place and I turned to say goodbye to him. No smile from him. He looked hurt. "DB, I really like you too, but I can't do this right now," I told him, wanting him to understand. He stroked my cheek, then leaned in and kissed me tenderly.

"I know," he said. "Have a good night."

"You too."

I got out of the car, and walked to my gate. Turned around to give him a wave but he was looking straight ahead, then he drove off.

I stood there for a while, trying to clear my senses, trying to come to terms with what had just happened.

I had crossed the line.

*****
Only one more part to go, I promise!

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a soft Meow.

20 Comments:

  • Arrggghhh.... all the suspense and it's not finished yet???

    Tomorrow I'm not working and I have no access to the internet till Monday!!!!

    Heeeeeellllllppppp!!!!!!

    By Blogger shades, at August 19, 2005 11:37 AM  

  • Quote:
    I wondered how J could actually stand there and smile at me, knowing that his girl was attracted to someone else.


    I can relate to that.

    By Anonymous all smiles, at August 19, 2005 11:45 AM  

  • omg....i feel for J. :(

    n the suspense....OMG!!! kucing, u ARE a killer.....

    By Blogger mistyeiz, at August 19, 2005 12:10 PM  

  • kucing...dont tell me u did that to J...omg...poor J..

    i can understand ur feeling but i feel very sorry for J

    DB is a such a bastard for doing that to u n J

    oh poor J

    By Anonymous hush, at August 19, 2005 1:38 PM  

  • Shades: no internet till monday... me going off to europe until next sunday!.. can someone tape this drama for me?? will make pop corn

    By Blogger Raymond, at August 19, 2005 1:42 PM  

  • OMG! I hate DB!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 19, 2005 2:56 PM  

  • yea.. i knew how it felt. to lose out to a better lookin, more $ dude.*sigh*

    finish up the story la makcikk!!

    By Anonymous tarehgemuk, at August 19, 2005 3:02 PM  

  • I can't believe that my eyes are watery while reading this... so touchy..
    tissue please?
    sobs

    By Blogger Butterflyn, at August 19, 2005 3:20 PM  

  • what goes around comes around. Long live J!! I feel for you bradder..

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 19, 2005 3:21 PM  

  • Kucing, I'm only half-way through but I'm already...

    I don't know, words evade me at this moment. It's just that... how could you?

    I am in awe, and admiration of J's calm attitude though. Now that's a MAN.

    Alright, I'm resuming my reading of your post.

    By Blogger xaph, at August 19, 2005 4:08 PM  

  • Emo Power!!!

    By Blogger Pantani's 2nd Cousin, at August 19, 2005 4:17 PM  

  • I'm a loyal guy at heart, and I wouldn't ever betray a female companion that I call my own; I don't subscribe to the 'ignorance is bliss' idea either, and I wouldn't do anything that would hurt her feelings behind her back. As such, I'm slightly appalled, slightly sympathetic, slightly amused, and generally filled with a bevy of other emotions after reading this post.

    But your life is yours, Kucing, and I won't (and have no right to) say anything, and I respect your decisions.

    Your story is a really pulling one ^_^ Keep up with your excellent writings, Kucing! I'm a huge fan of yours now!

    By Blogger xaph, at August 19, 2005 4:18 PM  

  • Kucing, may I propose a song to accompany this post?

    When I was in my... period of infatuation some time back, a certain song by Joe Satriani, entitled "Love Thing", was always in constant rotation in my car's CD player. Wherever I drove to, walked to, went to, that lullaby of wah-wahs was always playing in my ears. Would you like to have a listen to it as well?

    That instrumental piece may not have a strong emotional attachment with you as it has with me, but maybe it would be good musical fodder for you to listen to when you're writing, heh.

    By Blogger xaph, at August 19, 2005 4:23 PM  

  • there are many of us like you kucing
    i too have been in the same position before
    sometimes when love comes it comes, its almost impossible to control love

    -anonymous123

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at August 19, 2005 4:50 PM  

  • My dear kucing,

    Hope the lesson was learned well, now that you are writing about it. Anyway, I'm assuming that J was also not vindictive. If he was, I think your writings about it would also be different. Commitment between lovers is hard, but commitment between married couples are even harder.

    By Blogger IRIZ, at August 19, 2005 4:52 PM  

  • Shades, raymond: Sorry for the bad timing :P

    All smiles: In what way?

    mistyeiz, hush, anonymous: I know, I hated myself for falling for DB...

    tarehgemuk: I'm writing as fast as I can :P

    Butterflyn: Here, have my entire stack of Kleenexes....

    Xaph: Don't judge me yet, the end of the story has yet to be told ;)

    The Roadie: Too much emo sux.

    Iriz: You're right, commitment is hard. Did you wonder how I can dish out sound advice to lovelorn people? It's all through bittersweet experience ...

    People, all this happened long ago. I was naive, although J wasn't my first love. Nor was he the last, obviously.

    *sigh*

    You live and learn ...

    By Blogger Kucing Gatal, at August 19, 2005 5:03 PM  

  • KG,

    your story keeps reminding me of my own. sigh.. anyway, can't wait to read the ending so please don't take to long to finish it, ya?

    By Anonymous Aku, at August 19, 2005 5:34 PM  

  • There is no explaination for what the heart feels. It has a mind of its own. The best we can do is to understand it, not to control it cos the heart defies everything and anything it wishes to.

    its preciooousssss...

    By Blogger gollum, at August 19, 2005 5:54 PM  

  • Love?? I'm gagging if anyone mentions that word here.

    Sigh..I am sorry for J.

    By Blogger torment, at August 19, 2005 10:36 PM  

  • Man, you are a shameless, heartless slut and you got what was coming.

    There's more to come. A day will come when you wish for loneliness, but it will be a luxury you will not be able to afford. In its place you will find shame, betrayal and a sick feeling in your stomach knowing people around you call you words like trash, bitch, dumb slut and a full-time whore!

    Enjoy yourself, you coward!

    By Anonymous Jantan, at August 30, 2005 2:35 PM  

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