English - Doing my bit

Every generation loves to generalise about other generations. For example, Gen X-ers say that their generation is the best, and that Generation Y are all spoilt. Baby Boomers say that both X & Y generations are spoilt and don't know the value of money.

Generation Y say that the older generations are old-fashioned and stingy (the older generations describe these characteristics as conservative and money conscious - the latter undoubtedly a result of hardships suffered during the war and colonial periods).

One thing everyone seems to agree on however, is that the younger generation's English sucks. They all bemoan the fact that the "kids these days can't even string a proper sentence together." I do know of some teenagers and 20-somethings who speak and write perfect English but these are the exception rather than the norm.

There's no need to apportion blame here or highlight how important the language is, since the topic has been debated enough, even at the highest levels. What I want to say is that we bloggers can certainly do our bit to improve the level of English in the nation.

I have lapsed into Manglish all too often, since it's familiar to me and sometimes it just helps to get the message across better. However, from now on, I will try to blog at least once a week using proper English in my posts. More often than that, I can't guarantee, since lapsing into Manglish is like putting on your favourite underwear - you feel so comfortable in it that you wear it as often as you can. Hopefully other bloggers will follow suit. I know my English isn't perfect, so if I make mistakes, and you spot them, please let me know. I also want to improve :)

I remember watching ETV while I was growing up, especially the English lessons with Bing and Bong the clowns. "Learning English is lots of fun, it's so fun, for everyone", went the theme song, or something along those lines. I wonder why they discontinued it - pretty educational, in my opinion (although of course, back then there was no Astro or even TV3, so we didn't really have much choice!)

Ever notice how we allow youngsters to speak broken English to us and we never bother to correct them? Maybe it's because we think they may feel insulted if we point out their errors, or maybe we're just so used to it. Some kids actually ask me once in a while to correct their English, and I'm happy to help them whenever I can. But if they don't voice it out, I don't correct them. So, young ones, if you're really keen on improving your grasp of the language, don't be shy to ask. I'm sure people would be more than happy to guide you. Don't go and ask someone who speaks broken English too, that's like the half-blind leading the blind!

I think the standard of English in Western countries is also going down - too many times I've seen "there" instead of "their" and "it's" instead of "its" on various websites. Youngsters here will probably see such grammatical errors on the Internet and assume that the sentences are correct, since they don't know better. Very dangerous place, the Internet.

So I'm going to do my bit to try and arrest the decline of English in this country. Any other blogger with me?

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a non-Manglish Meow.

A personal tragedy

Kucing Gatal is horny .....

..... and my vibrator is spoilt ... ack!

*sighs and looks at fingers* "Guess you guys will have to do for now."

I suppose this is what it feels like when your computer stops working and you need to revert to a typewriter. Or when your printer breaks down and you have to resort to using pen and paper.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a hornius maximus Meow.

The Great Penis Mission

Kucing Gatal is about to embark on a mission, following a discussion with a friend last night.

As usual, the discussion centred around our favourite topic - men. To be more precise, men's equipment.

"Eh, kucing, I heard that the size of men's feet correspond to the size of their batang. Betul ke ni?"
"I dunno lah, I also heard this before, but never really dwelled on it."
"You never checked ke, with all those ex-es of yours?"
"No lah, the last thing on my mind when I'm rolling around in ecstacy with them was their feet size. Anyway, when you're horizontal, can't really see or measure. Takkan I want to stop him and say wait ah, I want to check something, then measure!"
"I wonder if it's true lah ... if it is, I will only go out with guys with large feet."

I've heard of this size thing, but never really bothered checking it out. But now I'm curious, and want to conduct some research to prove/disprove this theory.

So Kucing Gatal is embarking on a mission:
Mission To Prove If Shoe Size Is a Reliable Indicator Of Penis Size.

Of course, I need your help.

Men, if you would be so kind, please tell me if your penis measures up to your feet (flaccid and erect sizes required for better results) Don't cheat ok! If I'm suspicious, I may want to verify it for myself :P

Women, if you could covertly (or openly if your jantan doesn't mind) measure his feet and penis, both flaccid and erect, this will help to balance out the results (because women are more honest).

If you're shy and don't want to display your size in the comments box, email me instead (kucing_gatal@hotmail.com). Confidentiality assured.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a measured Meow.

Kucing Gatal's Guide to Accepting Compliments Gracefully

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

A: "Wow that is such a beautiful dress! Is it new?"
B: "What, you mean this old thing? I've had it for years and years. It's OK lah, I don't really like the colour."

A: "Your hair is looking really nice today."
B: "No lah, so many split ends, and it's so dry!"

A: "You did a really good job on that project!"
B: "Actually I didn't really do much, C helped me a lot."

A: "I think you're very intelligent and will be able to perform well on the job."
B: "No lah, I'm not so smart, mostly get by on luck only."

I'm sure many of us are familiar with such scenarios. When a simple thank you will suffice, most of us will react with some sort of denial or negative response. Many Malaysians can't accept compliments graciously, maybe for fear of being hit by the evil eye or just want to appear modest. Just like too much arrogance is bad, so is too much modesty.

Kucing Gatal has come up with a guide to help you accept compliments gracefully without appearing to be conceited or arrogant:

A: "Wow, that is such a beautiful dress! Is it new?"
B: "Thanks, I'm glad you like it. It's not new, I've had it for some time, but never really used it. By the way, I love that shade of lipstick you're wearing, what's that colour called?"
This is the "Buy 1, Get 1 Free" concept, where you receive a compliment and give one back in return.

Of course, please note that your response should be adjusted to suit the complimentor, so if it's a man, don't blindly follow my lipstick example, ok? And make sure your compliment will not insult him (for example, if he's bald, don't say, "Wow your head is very shiny today, can see the ceiling reflected in it!").

A: "Your hair is looking really nice today."
B: "Thanks! I've been trying out a new shampoo and it seems to work!"
This is the "show some modesty" concept, where you attribute the compliment to a product/third party.

Whatever you do, do not respond with a "Why, other days not nice issit?" kind of sentence, it's abrasive and the complimentor will be taken aback. Women seem to love giving this type of responses, especially to their boyfriends/husbands. Eventually you'll find that the compliment fountain will dry up and your bf/husband will no longer give them out.

A: "You did a really good job on that project!"
B: "Thank you. C helped me out at the beginning, and once I learned the technique, it was easy for me to follow through."
This is the "give credit but save some for yourself" concept, where you are giving C some credit while highlighting your quick learning skills at the same time.

Do not give all credit to a third party, especially if you're on the lookout for a promotion/raise, unless you want the third party to rise in ranks faster than you.

A: "I think you're very intelligent and will be able to perform well on the job."
B: "Thank you, I'm glad you have faith in me. I hope to be able to live up to your expectations."
This is the "positive reinforcement" concept, where you are acknowledging the truth of the compliment in a positive but not arrogant manner.

Do not give a smart aleck or arrogant answer like, "Ya I am damn smart one" or "Of course I'm intelligent, I have an IQ of 240!", or you'll be labelled as a lan si/aksyen person in no time. Remember, no one likes a boaster.

I hope my guide will help you to be gracious in accepting compliments. Remember also to give as many as you can, for people love receiving compliments, but make sure each compliment is sincere. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!

A note to guys, please make sure your compliments are in good taste. Don't say things like, "Your boobs look so yummy today," and expect a smile in return. Most likely you'll end up nursing a black eye or two.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a complimentary Meow.

So much for racial integration

Watching the local news these days infuriates me. Everything is being focused on one race, which some call the "superior race". Have they forgotten that Malaysia is multi-racial, created through the blood, sweat and tears of Malays, Chinese, Indians and other races? Have they forgotten that the other races pay equal amount of taxes, work just as hard if not harder, contribute just as much, if not more, to the development of our homeland?

Is it fair that other races pay more for land and houses, yet the best housing units in many housing areas are reserved for bumiputras? Is it fair that bumiputra students are assured of scholarships while other races have to rely on the goodwill of politicians to allocate them scholarships, even if they've outshone their bumiputra peers? Is it fair to the other races that bumiputra quotas that have been in place for years and years to give Malays a headstart, remain in place because the corrupt few have ensured that many Malays still lag behind?

No, it is not fair. It creates resentment. And one day this resentment, which has been simmering under the surface for so long, will boil over. And then chaos shall reign.

Instead of promoting racial integration, you, Mr Politician, are helping to destroy it.

This Kucing is appalled at the insensitivities shown by our so-called learned politicians. They jump up and down when anyone says something remotely offensive about bumiputras/Malays/UMNO, yet they openly degrade other races by focusing only on the betterment of the Malays with complete disregard for the improvement and advancement of other races. This despite the fact that the other races were also born here, grew up here, contributed to the economy here and will probably die here. And then these politicians cry foul if anyone fails to fly the flag proudly on 31 August, 1957, claiming that they're unpatriotic.

Do you expect otherwise, my dear blinkered politicians?

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a dispirited Meow.

Dealing with a nosy neighbour

An email from another troubled reader:

Dear Kucing Gatal,
I have a very busybody neighbour, she likes to make it her business to know about my business, then will carry tales to my mother. She likes to peep out her window to see what I'm doing and who I'm with, especially if I arrive home late at night. I've been very tolerant of her, and polite to her face, but I feel like killing her each time I hear my mother say, "Mrs C told me that some boy drove you home yesterday, who was it?" Mrs C knows my friends by sight, so whenever she sees some new male, she quickly tells my mother. How can I tell her to back off and mind her own business?

Signed,
Fed Up

Kucing Gatal says:

Dear Fed Up,
Some neighbours do take it upon themselves to be your self-appointed guardian. I don't know why this is so, but it seems to be more prevalent among the older generation, perhaps due to their caring nature (which some would interpret as being a bloody busybody). I myself have neighbours who probably wouldn't give a hoot if you were being attacked by a mob and screaming for help. They live in their own world and we've never exchanged more than a hello and a wave. I do remember, however, that in my old neighbourhood where I grew up, my neighbours would become family friends, popping over to our place regularly and vice versa. I guess communities were more close-knit back then; these days, the younger generation seem to prefer keeping their distance.

Therefore, I assume that Mrs C is from an older generation, and finds it perfectly acceptable to spy on your activities and inform your mother about it. She probably means no harm and is genuinely concerned about you. I doubt she is doing it with malice. However, I understand your irritation with her. No one likes a peeping tom, much less one that carries tales.

In this situation, you'll have to get the support of your mother. I think Mrs C assumes that your mother is ignorant of your activities and takes it upon herself to "educate" her. The best thing for you to do is to be honest with your mother, tell her everything about your social life (except of course the most important bits like who you're currently sleeping with and what your favourite sexual position with him/her is). And tell your mother how much you dislike Mrs C talking about you behind your back. If your mum is supportive, she will take your side and the next time Mrs C opens her mouth, she'll be able to say, "Oh yes, I already know. My daughter told me it's one of her friends," without divulging any more info. Once Mrs C finds that your mum is no longer receptive to information from her, she will probably find something more constructive to do with her time, or choose another neighbour to peep on.

In any case, she'll finally be out of your hair and you'll be free to return at whatever time you like with whomever you fancy.

Word of caution though, from a caring Kucing: be careful when arriving home late at night, or who you get lifts from - even friends can't be trusted these days.

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal

P/S If your mum takes Mrs C's side, then it's probably an issue of trust, and much more complicated than a simple nosy neighbour issue. Do let me know if this is the case, and I will tweak my advice accordingly.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a neighbourly Meow.

Shop till I drop

Tomorrow the mega sale carnival starts. I can hardly wait. Been scouting around for items that I want, and holding off from buying them so that I can get them cheaper. That's the hope; too many times I've waited patiently for the sale to start, then I can't find that particular item. Seems that all the old, ugly and surplus stock will be brought out during sales periods and it's hard to find the nice new stuff that you really want.

I'm also dreading the queues to the dressing rooms during the sales. I can grow and harvest padi while waiting to try on the one and only blouse that I want. But what to do, to save 40%, one must be patient - my shopping mantra.

From tomorrow onwards, I'll have to fight with hordes of other kiasu shoppers to get the items before they're all snapped up. I notice that the women shoppers can get particularly aggressive in the lingerie department. I've been to warehouse sales where all these aunties are ruthlessly pushing and shoving to get the bras and panties they want. And not just the old-fashioned types of underwear, some of these aunties are actually grabbing several pairs of g-strings at one go!

I used to be polite and stand back, only to find, when I finally get to the front, that all the best items are gone. So now, Kucing Gatal is sharpening her claws. No more Ms Nice Girl!

Let the shopping begin!

Speaking with a fake accent

I had a meeting with a unique customer today. As she entered the office, the smell of perfume was nearly overpowering. She swished her long blond-dyed hair over her shoulders as she came up to me, and shook my hand firmly while introducing herself. I took a quick glance at her apparel - tight white shirt with the top two buttons unbuttoned, offering a clear view of her ample cleavage, and a tight black skirt. She walked confidently on a pair of impossibly-high heels. The overall impression I got was that of a poised, confident, slightly slutty businesswoman, the kind that most men salivate after. As I ushered her into the meeting room, I noticed a few male colleagues' heads popping above their cubicle partitions to catch a glimpse of the "cun customer".

As the meeting progressed, I discovered something else about this "cun customer". She talked like she was from another country. America, to be precise.

Me: Have you confirmed the details for the project?
She: Yes, I asked my boss and his answer was that we need to make several changes, blah blah blah.
(Asked pronounced assed; answer pronounced enser)

Me: We've ordered the component RZ from the supplier.
She: That's great! How many RZs will we need in total?
(Z pronounced Zee)

By this time my curiosity was piqued. As Malaysians, we love making small talk so I decided to kill two birds with one stone - chit chat with her to build relationship, and dig out info about her background.

Me: Are you returning straight to Penang or going to travel some more this week?
She: Oh, I'll be in KL until tomorrow, then back to Penang.
Me: I see. You have plans already for today?
She: Yeah, I'm meeting up with some friends, we're going dancing tonight.
(Dancing pronounced densing)
Me: That sounds fun. So do you travel a lot?
She: Yeah, that's the great part about my job! I've been all over Malaysia.
Me: Oh, how about overseas?
She: You know, so far I've never been abroad, only travelled within Malaysia. But next year I plan to go to Thailand!
Me: Oh, so you've never been to other countries like the US?
(seeking confirmation lah!)
She: Nope, never.

So basically, I was dealing with some sort of mat salleh celup who had never set foot outside the country but who spoke like an American. I don't get it, how can you speak in a foreign accent if you've lived in Malaysia all your life? I also have watched MTV and countless American movies, but I don't speak with a twang.

It's a trend I notice with some young Malaysians. Dressing up in Western clothes is one thing, but speaking like a foreigner? Come on lah, who are you trying to impress? It sounds stupid, and you look stupid. Why is it that Malaysians who live overseas can maintain their Malaysian style of talking, when you, who have never stepped foot beyond our borders, pick up an accent from nowhere?

I notice Malaysian children who were born or have lived overseas for a long time tend to speak in whatever way their fellow countrymen do. I don't think there's anything wrong with this because they would have spent years surrounded by foreigners, and naturally adapted to their new surroundings. But why is it that the mat salleh kids who come here, and study here and all that, still speak like mat sallehs? Very few actually talk like Malaysians. Is it because the Malaysian way of speaking is harder to pick up than the mat salleh way?

Or do some of us feel ashamed of our heritage and drop the Malaysian way of talking as soon as we leave the country, and in cases like the "cun customer", even while we are still in the country?

I just don't get it.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a 100% Malaysian Meow.

The problem with parents

What is it about people that turns them into blubbering idiots when they're talking about their kids? They gush and brag about their pride and joy as if their kid is the next Einstein or the next Mariah Carey.

"You know ah, James is so smart, already can distinguish between aeroplanes and helicopters and he's not even 2!"

"My Nurhana can sing so well, the other day someone told me she really got talent, must enter her in singing contest. Got any contest for kids ke?"

And so on and so forth. Everyone is convinced they have the smartest, cutest, most talented kid on earth. Don't get me wrong, I like kids, I especially love the naughty and cheeky ones, but I cannot stand parents who have nothing else to talk about besides their kids. The ones who stand over the prams fussing about, making googly eyes and indulging in baby talk with their kids in public. "Mummm mumm .... goooli gooli gooli, kooochi koochi!", then erupt into laughs when the baby smiles (probably wincing inside at their parents' behaviour).

Even worse are those who aren't parents themselves but gush about other people's kids.

"My sister's baby is sooooooooo cute lah, already can turn over, the other day nearly fell off the bed!"

"My neighbour's child, he is only 3 but can count to 10 in 3 different languages!"

In small doses, such boasts are all right, but when they become focal points of conversations, and these people can't see how nobody else is really interested in how Junior can sing the national anthem backwards, then it's a royal pain. But how to tell them off? It would hurt their feelings if you brutally said, "Eh can shuddup or not, we're not interested in hearing about your kid, ok?"

Maybe I will turn into a blubbering idiot when I become a mother someday, but for now, please lah, spare me the details and just tell me the important bits like Junior has learned how to walk now, then I will respond with the appropriate amount of oohs and aahs, and smoothly move on to a more pressing topic. Such as whether liquid wax is better than wax strips.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with an exasperated Meow.

The age-old issue of religion

An email from a troubled reader:

Dear kucing,

Last year i met this girl, S. i'm a senior in this one student's association and S was my junior, but previously we never met cos i was absent that whole semester. i only met S before this major conference and everything was fine back then. we had the usual 'platonic' relationship. possible only cos at that time i already swore off women haha. anyway, when semester reopened we hung out together even more.

at this point i realized S can make a very good best friend, and me vice versa. as time passed however, i got to know S better and i eventually fell for S. oh you've heard this many times i'm sure. i told myself at first it was just a crush and i'll get over it. partly due to pride, cos i've always said that best friends don't fall for each other (and prior to S, i've never fallen for my best friends).

as time passed i began to fall even deeper for S. oh, forgot to tell you. on the very 1st day our association had its meeting in this new semester, one of the other juniors, whom I'll call Z from here on noticed S and started to ask S out eventually. as semester came to an end, i realized that this time i'm falling for her for real and i was cursing myself for knowing S ahha. S liked the guy too. they always went out, and Z has stood her up on various occasions. and on these occasions, when i found out S was stood up i drove all the way to Uni just to take S out (well since she was all ready with nowhere to go and hungry). oh yeah, there was that one time Z didnt go out with her when he's supposed to cos he was playing DOTA (online game. i've never seen it myself) Z drives her crazy all the time with his irresponsible behaviour even when they were assigned to the same project. she always complained to me about this.

and yet she still likes him. oh, Z is the 1st ever guy to make a move on her in her entire life. and i'm the 1st guy she tells everything adn 1st guy to get her flowers (cos i found out she never got flowers before, so i went to a florist and surprised her during one of our outings)

time passed by and i fell deeper, while at the same time S started playing the 'penduulm act' swinging back and forth from liking Z, to not liking him. i knew she liked him so all the time i've been trying to set them up together, preparing myself for the day they'll be one :P

one day Z proposed to S. she said no cos she didn't like his behaviour. and afterwards the pendulum swing was more irregular. we're very best friends so she tells me everything in her life. i finally felt so down and called a good friend of her, B to pour out.

B said we won't have a chance cos you see kucing, i'm malay and she's chinese. it's another one of those racial issues. the girl said things'll be MUCH different if i was chinese cos she told me i am already what S wants in a guy T_T

our friends always asked us why aren't we an item yet. her reply: he'll never fall for me (and anything to that effect). my reply: cos i'm gay/i have too many gfs to take care of/i'm androgenous/she's not my type (i even do the *bleargh* face when i say this/no feelings for her maaaa

My own parents will kill me if i marry a non-malay, and her parents feel the same way too. but i've had some non-malay girls in my life, albeit secretly :P those were all monkey love. i guess kucing u probably know the difference already right?

i'm always there for her when she's down.when she was on a dating spree with Z, she kinda left me out, but i stil kept on being there for her. always. up to a point where she sent me this SMS:

"i've not been a fren to u these few days.. no WEEKS!only call u when i'm down.Sorry for tat! =)"

anyway, to make it short i DO love her kucing. i seriously want this one to end in marriage for us.

last night, she went out with him again (i just graduated) and she told me that she still harbors hopes of him proposing to her again. she said once, if Z ever asks again, she'll say yes this time.

right now i don't know anything. i know they'll probably be together sometime in the future. S doesnt know about my feelings of course :P S told me she doesn't expect it to last, but i told her it can last yada yada yada. oh you know, the rol of the guy who puts her before me.

I know she's happy with him, i don't know what she feels towards me, she told me once that i'm her very bst friend in Uni and i know it means we'll never get to a relationhip point. yknow?

as i write this even more, my mind becomes more muddled and my heart feels heavier. i've promised not to leave her side, cos "that's what friends do".

"I would hate for you to find somebody new
Who you really loved cause it would mean losing you
But am I a fool girl not to say
If I'm always scared, I'll lose you anyway"

this line from 98 degrees keeps on playing in my head.
am i a sucker for pain, kucing? do i enjoy being tormented so much that i have to overcome a barrier i was born with? why cant our parents see that this is not the 50s? i love her, i want to be with her and yet at the same time i don't have the courage to tell her cos she'll run away if i do. why can't everyone else see the world the way that i do? kucing, i'm jsut repeating myself but i seriously do love her. i want to grow old with her, together under the same roof.

B's words kept ringing in my mind "it's not a matter of him being the better man. it's just the world getting in your way. if you were chinese, things would seriously be much different".

what can i do kucing? is letting her go and just wish for them to be happy the only thing i can do? i dont want that.

yours, mine or whomever's,
the smiling man


Kucing Gatal says:

Dear Smiling Man,

I sympathise with you, unrequited love is painful. Loving someone from afar and seeing her in love with another man is indeed torture for the heart.

Let's deal with this one issue at a time. S obviously trusts you to be able to confide in you. You're basically her shoulder to cry on and she may have taken your friendship for granted, knowing you'll always be there when she needs you.

Now, does she have any inkling about your feelings for her? Have you ever let it be known that you love her? Even if you haven't, girls have a built-in sensor, and can usually tell when someone is harbouring a secret crush/love for them. Put it this way: if a guy is always there for me, and has no girlfriend/boyfriend, I would imagine that his feelings for me are more than pure friendship. So I'm sure she kind of knows how you feel, but maybe refuses to entertain the notion. But sometimes girls keep guys like you on the side, ever ready to drop everything and come to their rescue. It's not nice, but it happens.

Giving S the benefit of the doubt, let's say that she has absolutely no idea you love her. She's in love with Z, and based on your description of him, can't see him for the loser that he really is. Girls like bad guys for some stupid reason, that's why she puts up with his behaviour. There may be something special about Z that S is attracted to, or maybe she's just responding to him cos he's the first guy to make a move on her, like you said. I really cannot pass judgment since I don't have the full picture.

Let's say you are Chinese. Are you 100% sure that S would then fall for you? To me, race is not a big issue. Chinese-Indian, Malay-Chinese, Indian-Caucasian, doesn't matter what the combo is, love has no boundaries. But to many people, such as your parents, it is. I think it has less to do with race than religion. Let's face it, non-Muslims think 10 times before marrying a Muslim in Malaysia because of the compulsory conversion. Is S willing to take this huge step, which must be considered if she wants a long-term relationship with you? That could be what's stopping her. And if it is, then my friend, you've got to face facts. She will have to go against her parents' wishes, you will have to go against yours, she will have to convert, and you will have to keep her happy for your entire life or else, when you fight, she will bring up this issue: "You so ungrateful, I married you, converted for you, and now you are shouting at me, how can!!"

The next issue is age. If I read your mail correctly, you're both uni students. Yet Z proposed to S. Now in my opinion, uni students (unless you're postgrad or something) are way too young to think about marriage. And Z really does not sound like the responsible sort - he seems to be terrible boyfriend material, what more husband material! And if you're the same age, you should also not be thinking of marriage so early. A relationship is one thing, marriage is another.

I would say however, that the biggest hurdle in this is the religion issue. Putting aside age, and her feelings for Z, and assuming that she falls in love with you, you must both be mature enough to realise the difficulties involved, i.e. the different religions. When you're young and idealistic, any problem can be overcome. It's easy to say, "We will elope, doesn't matter what our parents think, we're madly in love and want to be together!" But when you're older and wiser, you realise that there is more to it than meets the eye. Your family is important to you, her family is important to her. Are you both willing to risk losing your respective families over this relationship? For you, the decision will be easier since you have less to lose. S is the one who will have to convert, she will be the one who has to make the ultimate decision.

My advice to you is based on the assumption that the only reason S is not in love with you is because of the religion issue. In that case, if you know for certain that S will love you if you're Chinese, then you may want to snoop around and find out how she feels about inter-racial marriages. Gauge her feelings before you make any move. You can drop subtle hints, and watch Sepet with her, and other similarly-themed movies, and see her reaction. If she says there is no way she would marry a non-Chinese, and no way she would convert to Islam, then sorry my friend, you're in for heartbreak. If she reacts positively, and if she is not really in love with Z, then you may want to tell her how you feel - IF you are willing to risk losing her as a friend.

If she is really in love with Z, then you will have no choice but to stand back and let her be happy with him. Maybe Z will turn over a new leaf and be a responsible adult, or maybe he will ditch her when he finds someone new, who can say what the future holds? If you're strong, then remain in her life as a good friend, catch her when she falls, but never tell her your feelings for her unless you're very sure she can reciprocate. If you can't handle being just a friend, then the best thing to do would be to cut off all ties.

In an idealistic world, religion would not be a barrier in relationships. But it is a harsh, narrow-minded world we live in, where race and religion are used as a tool to keep lovers apart. That is a tragedy. If everyone can look beyond colour and religion, the world would be a happier place. I'm sorry to hear of your pain, and hope that everything works out for the best. But do remember that the pain of heartbreak is part of growing up, and almost everyone goes through it, so you are not alone.

I am a strong believer in fate, and if it is meant to happen, it will. Keep your spirits up, Smiling Man!

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal

I hope my advice makes sense, it may be a bit muddled because I'm doing this in between work deadlines, sorry bout that!

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a stressed out Meow.

Hiatus

Kucing Gatal is on a short break. Busy with work .... back soon!

To the people who have sent me their problems and seek my advice, please be patient, I promise to get around to it as soon as I can.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a very busy Meow.

Should men shave down there?

My response to Bald guy after realising what type of bald he was talking about.

Dear Bald guy,

Yes, many guys do dig women going bald. As for whether women dig bald guys, I would say yes too, since it is cleaner and smoother. And if you like giving BJs, you won't have to stop periodically to pick hair out of your mouth.

So if you want your woman to shave her pubes, it's only fair that you do too ;)

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a caffeine-boosted Meow.

Do women like bald men?

I received this email yesterday:

Hi Kucing Gatal,

Well most man do dig women going bald but do women dig guys go bald as well ?

Best,
Bald guy

Kucing Gatal says:

Dear Bald guy,
I've not heard of any guy going gaga over a bald or balding woman (except maybe Sinead O'Connor fans), so I can't agree with your statement. Guys, please help me out here, do you dig women going bald?

Now, for the question of women and bald guys. There are loads of sexy bald guys out there. Think Billy Zane and Vin Diesel, not Kojak. I think it's quite a trend now for guys to shave their heads and grow a goatee, and in my opinion, most of them look quite good. Of course there are some with weirdly-shaped heads or bumpy heads - the bald look doesn't go well with these types of heads.

Hmm, come to think of it, I don't think I've seen any bald Chinese guy with a goatee.... in fact I've not even seen a bald Chinese guy. I've seen balding ones, but not bald ones. I shall keep a lookout now to see if I can spot any. Plenty of bald Malays, Indians and Mat Sallehs, but Chinese? Hmmmm...

Sometimes nature doesn't give you a choice. Your hair starts thinning, then a bald patch appears which grows and grows till one day you wake up and see a huge shiny patch on the top of your head. That's when you start scanning the papers for Svenson ads, and if you can't afford the hair treatment, toy with the idea of going bald. It takes some courage, I would say, to shave it all off and parade in front of your family and friends. Reactions will inevitably range from "Oh my God!!" to "What the $#!@" to "Wow, you look fantastic!!" (the last will probably not happen if you have a weirdly-shaped head, unless you have friends who are visually-challenged or just plain liars).

But I digress. Your question is, do women dig bald guys? I personally do (although I also love the feeling of running my hands through thick, wavy hair) , but I can't speak for all women out there. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, after all.

If you're balding and wondering if you should go botak, feel the shape of your head. If it feels bumpy or has a weird shape, then you may want to hold on to the botak plan for a while. If you have only 5 strands of hair left and 3 look like they're about to fall off, then there is no hope and you should go bald. Face the world with confidence and to hell with what anyone thinks. A confident man is a lady magnet, after all. Whatever you do, do NOT sport a combover. Please. For the love of God.

If you need some encouragement to go bald, have a look at this. And if you want to know what you'd look like bald, have a look here.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a bald-is-beautiful Meow.

Edited to add: Right after I clicked Publish Post, I realised that Bald guy is talking about a different kind of bald. Will address this in my next post. Sorry, lack of caffeine numbs my brain!

He wants to dump her cos she smokes

Dear Kucing Gatal,

My boyfriend recently found out I smoke and has threatened to dump me unless I quit. He hates women smokers. For 6 months I managed to hide the truth from him but he finally found out after I left a pack on my coffee table and he dropped in unexpectedly. I've tried to quit smoking but each time I meet up with my friends, they all start puffing away and I cannot resist the temptation, and if I say no, they will urge me until I join them. I love my boyfriend very much but can't say no to cigarettes. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Puffy

Kucing Gatal says:
Dear Puffy,

I'm sure you know the dangers of smoking so I won't bore you with the obvious health hazards (if you're ignorant about this I suggest you read this). If you're not bothered about lung cancer and heart attacks, you may be interested to know that smoking causes facial wrinkles. Yes, that's right, you may be blessed with a pretty face now, but keep on lighting up and soon you'll look years older and have wrinkles to deal with. Then you'll really have trouble holding on to your boyfriend. Wrinkles are forever - and they seem to multiply overnight!

Seems to me that women smokers are on the rise in Malaysia. Walk around the KLCC fountain and you're bound to see a number of ladies sitting at the cafes, casually puffing away, trying to look cool. Personally, I don't get it. It's already so hot in Malaysia, and these ladies don't look like they're under any stress, so why smoke? Some guys find it sexy, maybe that's why. Other guys find it a complete turn-off. Obviously your boyfriend is in this category.

(Time for Kucing to shut up and stop being judgmental about smoking)

Now, for him to give you an ultimatum like that is a bit unfair. He should be more supportive. Has he tried helping you quit, since he found out? Or have you been lying all this while and told him you don't smoke at all? If you've openly said you don't smoke, then he has a right to be pissed off. If you've got a decent bloke on your hands, he will try to help you quit and support you throughout the process rather than use it as an excuse to dump you. If he really cares about you, he'll go through it with you. I myself don't like smoking/smokers but if my boyfriend were to suddenly start smoking, I wouldn't use that as an excuse to dump him, unless I've tried to help him quit and he refuses to.

All said and done, I would advise you to stop smoking because you want to, not just because someone else is urging you. It's only when it comes from within you that you'll have the discipline to follow through. You must have the initiative to do so, otherwise when your friends offer you a stick, you're unlikely to have much willpower to hold out. I hope for your sake that you're able to be strong and do this.

Another piece of advice I can give you is this: if your friends know you're trying to quit and still urge you to smoke, consider getting a new bunch of friends cos obviously these ones don't have your best interests at heart.

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal

I'm a non-smoker so I don't know exactly how hard it is to quit. Any of you who've been through the experience, your comments and advice are most welcome. Please help Puffy out.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with an anti-smoking Meow.

Why do so many blogs focus on food?

Malaysian bloggers are obsessed about two things: themselves and food. The majority of blogs here focus either on the blogger's personal life or on food. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this, it's just an observation I've made.

Is our love affair with food so passionate that we see fit to come back and write a review about the fantastic dinner we've just had? Are we so proud of a simple achievement like making nasi goreng that we just HAVE to take a picture and share it with the rest of the blogging world? Me, I can cook up some pretty decent fare, and am proud of my culinary efforts, but I'm not going to painstakingly type out the recipe for sotong sambal, snap some pics, and post it up for you guys to marvel at.

Now, before you get your hackles up, let me reiterate, if the rest of you want to do it, fine. Sometimes I do enjoy reading food-related posts, but most of the time, I'm really not interested in knowing if the garlic bread at Pizza Hut is garlicky enough, or how many chocolate chips should go into each cookie to make it perfect.

Then there are the navel-gazing bloggers, who think others would be interested in knowing the exact number of nose hairs they have, or that the strap of their watch broke and they had to go to Petaling Street to get a new watch, and on the way, their taxi stopped to pick up a pregnant woman who turned out to be a robber and robbed all of them at knife point, and so they had no money left to buy a watch, or pay the taxi driver, who abandoned them in some lonely place somewhere and they had to trudge all the way back home in the rain, and now not only do they need a new watch, they need new shoes too.

Me, I'm in the second category of course. After all, I am an average Malaysian, and I'm as stereotypical as they get. Although sometimes I do break out of the mould and surprise people.

Which brings me to the point of this whole post: why are there so few different blogs? Why can we not focus on something besides ourselves and food? Why are there no blogs focusing on DIY plumbing, for example, or gardening, or even the art of dating, Malaysian-style? Maybe there are, I haven't explored every Malaysian blog yet, so please tell me if I am wrong. I know there are some focusing on IT, politics and religion, but don't know of any other popular topic.

I guess because we are so passionate about food, it's only natural that this is a favourite to blog about. But surely there are talented craftspeople out there who can share their knowledge with us? "Yes, Kucing," I hear you say, "Their knowledge is readily available in what is known as a website, and you can find it by using something called a search engine." True, but I want a personal touch to it, for example someone tried to fix a leaking toilet and ended up bursting a major pipe, resulting in their whole house being flooded and having to call in a plumber to fix the damage. At least if someone blogged about this, we'd have a good laugh, offer our sympathies, then make a mental note of which major pipe to avoid. Amusing AND educational, a great combination. You may be able to point me to a number of blogs that highlight these kinds of things, but I'm willing to bet it will be part of someone's blog, something that happened one day in their lives, and not the general theme of the blog itself.

"Kucing, you're missing the whole point of blogging. A blog is like an online journal, where a person can share details of his/her personal life," you may argue. No, this is limiting the definition of a blog. You can do anything you want, make your blog stand out. It can be your personal diary, but it can also be a powerful tool to make companies and governments sit up and take notice, for example, Jeff Ooi's Screenshots.

"If you don't like it, don't read it," you may huff. True, but like I said, I'm not attacking any blog individually, I'm just making general observations, and giving my unsolicited opinion.

"So Kucing, you hypocrite, what are you doing to improve the Malaysian blogosphere?" you may ask. Well, I am trying to turn my blog into an agony aunt column, hoping to help others with their relationship/general problems, despite not being a psychologist/ psychiatrist (so please take my advice with a pinch of salt, and if you're really in a pickle, see a doctor/therapist). Apart from that, I am just another average Malaysian blogger, sharing details of my life with the rest of the world. I have no plumbing/gardening/ sewing/movie-making skills whatsoever so I really have nothing specific to awe you with. I have excellent movie-watching skills though, and that I can readily share with you, but then, you've probably already read a hundred posts about Batman Begins and War of the Worlds so I have nothing new to add.

If I have been totally off the mark, and there are some outstanding Malaysian blogs you know of (besides those focusing on politics/religion/IT), please let me know.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a Monday-morning Meow.

If You're Mean, They're Keen

Why is it that some guys just can't take a hint? The more you reject their advances, the harder they try. Check out these cringe-worthy lines:

He: "Mmmm I love that smell! What perfume are you wearing?"
Me: "Lux soap."
He: "Wow, you make Lux soap smell like the best perfume on earth ..."

He: "Those are really nice earrings ... diamonds?"
Me: "$2.50 studs from Sinma."
He: "They look so real on your pretty little ears. Never mind, I can buy for you real diamond earrings, you want?"
Me: "No!"
He: "When is your birthday?"

On the phone:
He: Hi, how are you?
Me: Hey, I'm running late for a meeting, can't talk, I'll call you back.
He: Just 2 minutes please, I just want to hear your voice.
Me: Got to go, bye!
He: Wait lah, don't hang up, just a few seconds, please!
I hang up.

Via SMS late at night:
He: Hi, I couldn't sleep thinking about you.
No reply from me as I am busy ZzzZZ-ing.
5 minutes later
He: Hello? Reply lah at least.
3 minutes later
He: Are you angry with me? I'm sorry if I did anything wrong.
5 minutes later
He: You're probably asleep. Sorry for disturbing you.
1 minute later
He: Goodnight pretty one.

Lucky I put my phone on silent mode before I go to bed - the vibrations aren't enough to wake me up.

Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen, as the saying goes. But what about when you REALLY can't stand these guys? The meaner you are, the keener they are. It's a no-win situation, isn't it? You're nice to them, they have hopes that you're softening towards them. You're mean to them and they get even more interested and don't stop hounding you.

You tell them to piss off and they back off for some time, only to reappear a short while later, cunningly testing the waters with a generic SMS, for example wishing you Happy New Year. And if you're kind enough to reply, that's an open invitation for them to sneak back into your life. If you don't reply, they send more generic SMSes, hoping you'll respond some day.

Some guys go to the extent of making up a fictitious girlfriend, hoping to make you jealous, hoping that you'll come to your senses and realise what a catch they are. Please, this does not work. The minute you tell me you have a girlfriend, I'm genuinely happy for you and hope you're genuinely in love with her. I had this guy hounding me for ages, then he got a girlfriend, but he kept comparing her to me, and he kept telling me he really loved me instead. What a bloody loser. Not only was he messing around with a perfectly nice girl, he was too dense to realise that I would never be attracted to him. Not because of his looks or anything, but because I found him immature and irresponsible. Not very attractive traits in a man, don't you think? Last I heard, he got dumped. Good for the girl!

I also know of some girls who shamelessly chase after guys who aren't interested in them in the least bit. Why does this happen? Is it the thrill of the chase? What is it that makes you so persistent to the point of being a pest? If I was interested in a guy and I know he just likes me as a friend, or doesn't want to be associated with me at all, I'd back off immediately. Respect his decision, and live with it. Is that so difficult to do? I know it can be painful, unrequited love and all that, but hey, it's better than you making a fool of yourself in the vain hope that the other person is going to suddenly fall madly in love with you. Secretly pining after someone is perfectly normal, just don't announce your love/lust for the other person and keep hounding them.

I have secretly pined for some guys, and then outgrew it naturally. Am very glad that I never told them, it would have made things awkward and I would have lost some good friends.

Any of you been in the same situation? Or currently irritating some poor person with your unwanted and unwelcome attention?

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a mean Meow.

The Stink of Humanity

Have you guys ever been on a crowded bus/train, pressed up against strangers, minding your own business when suddenly, an odour starts making its way up your nostrils and before you can stop yourself, you've sniffed it, and realise that you can smell someone's extremely smelly ketiak?

You look around suspiciously. Is it that geeky guy with a laptop who's next to you? Or the creepy looking fellow wearing a checked shirt and too-tight pants? Or is it that demure looking woman in the baju kurung who's avoiding everybody's gaze? Or is it ... sniff, sniff... horror of horrors .... you???

On occasion, when I'm in an extreme hurry, I forget to use my deodorant and halfway through my busy day I realise I'm stinking like a sweaty sportsman (I want to say pig but I've never smelt a pig so I can't really make a fair comparison). If I have an important appointment, I cringe and try to creep as far away from other people as possible. If I have time, I'll dash down to the nearest 7-11/kedai runcit and grab the first deodorant I see, then dash to the nearest loo. If there's no loo, I surreptitiously roll it on, hoping no one can see.

I really should learn from experience, but sometimes my brain goes on vacation early in the morning and I have bouts of forgetfulness. Lucky it hasn't happened too often. Now I keep a spare deodorant in the glove compartment, just in case!

The next time you see someone crouching behind a car with a small plastic bag, don't jump to conclusions. It could just be someone who's forgotten their roll-on for the day. Or it could be someone planting a bomb. Either way, best to mind your business and get far away.

Back to the bus/train scenario. More often than not, you'll catch this odious whiff of undeodorised armpits, and try to turn your face away for some fresh air. But there's no fresh air because it's too crowded and so you're forced to breathe it in, or breathe through your mouth for the duration that the owner of the smelly armpits is around.

Some people, like me, may have genuinely forgotten this part of their daily hygiene routine, but there are those who have never heard of deodorants and go about their day merrily, completely oblivious to the discomfort they're causing to the people around them. And no one dares to tell them about it! We all put up with the smell, rather than shame the person by pointing out the problem. Same goes for bad breath too. Why is it we can bitch about this to all and sundry, but can never find it within ourselves to talk to the person directly?

I guess we're all just too polite. If I had this problem, and someone informed me about it, I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn't be able to face my friends/colleagues with confidence again. If I'm not mistaken, there's a site that allows you to send anonymous emails/ecards to people, telling them something like "Someone cares enough to tell you that you have halitosis". On the surface this sounds wonderful, a solution for us sufferers. But put yourself in the recipient's shoes, having received a message like this, how can you meet people's gazes again? You'd always wonder who sent you the message, how long people have put up with it, and even if you apply ten layers of deodorant from now on, you'll be paranoid that you're polluting the air around you.

There's really no simple solution, is there? Have any of you out there actually told someone (besides family members) that they are hygienically-challenged? How did the person take the news? And have any of you been long-time silent sufferers? And how many of you are like me, have forgotten to use your deodorant and only realised it in the middle of the day?

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a scented Meow.

Racist Slurs

I'm racist, and so is every other Malaysian I know. Be honest, who among us can claim that they've never uttered a racist statement in their life? During tense moments, during eruptions of anger, Pandora's Box pops open and out come the racist slurs.

I'm a fair racist - I condemn all races equally, depending on the situation.

After 10 minutes at a government department, I'm muttering, "Goddamit, these Melayus are SO slow and lazy!!!"

After waiting patiently at traffic lights and seeing cars cutting queue here and there (especially in SS2 PJ), I curse, "Bloody Chinaman drivers! If only I had a machine gun or a tank!"

After shopping at Indian shops along Jln Tuanku Abdul Rahman, I'm wondering, "Why do Indians have such a funny smell? Cannot stand it!"

And when I see locals kow-towing to Mat Sallehs, I go, "These mat sallehs come here and act like they're God. So arrogant!" Then I condemn the locals for putting the foreigners on a pedestal in the first place.

Just as I can pass all these rude and stereotypical judgements, I can also give credit where credit is due.

"Yummmm, Chinese food is sooooo good! The Chinese really know how to make good food!"

"Look at these cute earrings! The Indians are really good at all these creative accessories!"

"This kuih is to die for. One thing about the Malays, they're really good at making desserts."

So you see, I am just a typical Malaysian. And now you're probably wondering, Kucing Gatal, what race are you? Well, I'm one of the above, and I'm all of the above. Living in Malaysia, you can't help but absorb parts of other cultures into your own culture and life.

Get it right though, I don't hate the different races, I'm just letting off steam! Right after condemning the Malays, I can call up my Malay friend and say, "Eh jom ke Sunway, nak pi shopping." After mentally blowing up all Chinese-owned cars on the road, I can go to my Chinese friend's wedding and happily Yam Seng with my Chinese tea. After stepping out of the Indian shops to gulp in some fresh air, I can turn to my Indian friend and invite her over for dinner.

I may get flak for this post, but I'm just putting into words what every Malaysian does, whether openly or not. Show me a Malaysian who hasn't condemned an entire race based on an individual's actions and I'll show you a liar ;)

Kucing Gatal's Fantasies

Fantasies .... everyone has them. When I was really young, I had fantasies of flying around, and being able to turn invisible whenever I wanted. As a teenager I fantasised about getting straight As in my exams without having to study, and being offered a scholarship to study anywhere I wanted. As a young adult I fantasised about winning the lottery and telling my boss to shove his paperwork where the sun don't shine.

And then there are the sexual fantasies. I had my first real sexual fantasy around the tender age of 14. Probably because I chanced upon a porno video tape lying around in my house (lucky me!) and my innocent little mind was corrupted forever. It was about a pool boy and a bored housewife, pretty straightforward porn, but remember, I was only 14, and didn't even know about different sexual positions. By today's standards, I was a late, late bloomer. The word doggy had always meant a canine to me until I saw that pool boy ramming the housewife who looked like she was in total ecstacy. And then, for the first time in my life, I saw a man ejaculate, and I saw how much power a woman has over a horny guy.

I was an innocent, and hadn't even kissed a boy, but from then on, I looked at guys differently. I became Kucing Gatal ... but my first sexual encounter didn't happen till a few years later, because I was Gatal in mind, but the rest of me was chicken.

Anyway, it all started when I was in college. I was attracted to this guy, the feeling was mutual, one thing led to another and in no time, we were rolling around with each other. There were no fireworks, in fact on a scale of 1 - 10, I would rate it a 3. But from then on, I was sexually liberated. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I just humped every guy in sight. Only when I really liked a guy, and knew he felt the same way, would I expose myself to him.

I loved the feeling of having a man literally grow in my hand, the bulge that enlarged with just a few strokes. And I loved the way a man would close his eyes and moan when I licked him. Most guys love blowjobs, but few women actually enjoy doing it ... I'm one of those few. I like being in total control, kneeling over a man who's lying spread-eagled and blindfolded, and using only my mouth and tongue to explore and arouse him until he can't stand it anymore and explodes.

Which leads me to my topic: sexual fantasies. I've always had one-on-one encounters, never had threesomes or participated in a group orgy. The main reason being I have no lesbian tendencies whatsoever, and when you say threesome to a guy, he automatically assumes it has to be another woman. Mention that it has to be a guy and watch him deflate. I don't know why, but the guys I've been with absolutely refuse to even think of sharing their girl with another guy, but they have no problems with sharing her with another girl. I don't blame them, since I myself am not interested in making out with a member of my own sex, I guess they have the same reservations. But honestly, the idea of having two men at once just makes my blood run hot and my toes curl. Pure ecstacy, having every inch of you loved by not one, but two eager pairs of hands, two tongues, two mouths, two penises ... ooooh. Maybe one day I'll meet a man who's secure enough to experiment and allow me to indulge in this fantasy.

The other fantasy I have is of being controlled. I know I said I like being in control, but I also fantasise about a man who's strong enough to dominate me, knows how to turn me on and has his wicked way with me while I'm helpless. Note: I do NOT mean rape, because that is a disgusting crime. I mean a situation with two consenting adults, where one consents to be submissive to the dominant one. I also do NOT mean S&M, because like I said in my earlier post, Kucing Gatal is an enemy of pain. I want a man who will arouse me to the point of orgasm, then hold back, and make me beg for more. The guys I've been with are sweet and always try to satisfy me fully but there's always something missing.

I've not shared this fantasy with the guys I've been with because they're simply not dominant material. They would probably try, but it wouldn't be exactly what I'm looking for. I guess I just want a really bad boy who knows what he's doing. Why is it we women want these bad boys? They're such bastards yet we crave for them.

So there are two of my favourite sexual fantasies. They're quite tame but they're the ones most likely to be fulfilled at some point in the future ;) The really perverse ones are locked up in my mind, for my enjoyment only.

Kucing Gatal wants to hear from you - what are your sexual fantasies, and have you fulfilled them?

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a seductive Meow.

Can A Man & Woman Be Just Friends?

As promised, here is my response to an anonymous reader's query, posted in the comments section of this post.

*****
Dear Kucing Gatal, ur blog is truly whiff of fresh air. I have a question for u. can u please tell me whether there is actaully such thing as "platonic friendship" between men & women (as in heterosexual males and females). it's been bugging me. help.

Anonymous

Kucing Gatal says:
Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for your kind compliment. I hope the air doesn't start becoming stale and smelly soon, like it does in so many blogs that start out promisingly.

Now for your question. The short answer is yes. Of course men and women can be just friends. HOWEVER, there are conditions attached.

For instance, you can never be just friends with someone who is gorgeous. Think about it: you're out with him/her, you're bound to notice all the stares & catcalls he/she is getting. Then your brain shuts off, pheromones kick in, and before you can say Booyah, you start lusting after this person you've, up until now, never really considered as a member of the opposite sex. Heaven help you if you've been out drinking with him/her, for the next thing you know, you would have spilled your guts (hopefully not literally), sobbed out some pathetic statement like "I've always loved you", received a disdainful stare or worse, a slap, and then the dreaded line is delivered: "I only see you as a friend, nothing more". Your ears are ringing, you're standing there wishing the ground would open up and swallow you, and you wonder if you can ever have things back the way they were before you opened your big mouth. In situations like this, best to cut and run. You're always going to have that hanging over your heads, and that's going to make for some mighty awkward moments in the future.

Also, you must be fully prepared that this platonic friend of yours is eventually going to find a life partner. Now if you're a social butterfly, that's fine and dandy, no big loss if he/she can no longer spend all their shopping/eating/movie-watching moments with you. But if he/she is your one true friend, and no one else wants to get close to you because you smell funny or you spit when you talk or boogers are always hanging out of your nose, then this is a major loss in your life. Would you be able to handle it when he/she says, "Listen (insert name here), I've really enjoyed having you as my personal leech all this time. But now I've met (insert bastard/bitch's name here) and I want to spend as much time with (bastard/bitch) as possible. I hope you understand. We'll still meet up, just not as regularly. Oh, and of course, (bastard/bitch) will be there as well." If this brings tears to your eyes, and you have visions of impaling said bastard/bitch to the spikes of the fence outside the Agong's Palace, then you need to get counselling or better still, leave the country. Malaysia is a small place, and you're bound to one day bump into him/her with bitch/bastard clinging on to him/her and you may not be able to stop yourself from launching into a verbal attack or hurling yourself into them.

You may not have any sexual/romantic feelings for this friend of yours, but a true platonic friendship means you will be able to see them happy with someone else, without feeling any jealousy, and genuinely be happy for them. You don't mind that they have no time for you, and you don't mind that they do not name their firstborn after you. And you'll be there when bastard/bitch dumps your friend, allowing him/her to sob on your shoulder while you're plotting how to burn down bastard/bitch's house with them in it. That's true friendship.

Some people insist that they're in a platonic friendship but in reality, they secretly desire the other person. They maintain the friendship, hoping that over time, the other person will desire them too. Sometimes this happens, and everything works out, but sometimes it doesn't, and you're left heartbroken without ever having revealed your feelings. Things that he/she says, such as, "Hey so-and-so asked me out, what should I wear?" stab your heart over and over again, and you stand there with a fixed smile on your face, making wardrobe suggestions. If you can deal with this kind of emotional torture, then by all means, stick around and continue hoping. Kucing Gatal wouldn't, mental health is far more important. Besides, plenty of fish in the sea. And for those who say "No, you don't understand, he/she is the most special person on earth!", let me tell you, there are PLENTY of special people around. The only reason you haven't discovered this is because you are pining for this friend of yours and won't give others a chance.

Now, there is another kind of friendship: the best friend with benefits. By this I mean you two are the best of friends and do everything together. And then one day you both get drunk/high, and end up making out and then the next day find yourselves in the same bed, butt naked. Now, how you deal with this situation will affect your friendship forever. You can either laugh about it and shrug it off and swear it won't happen again, or you can scream in horror, get dressed, dash out and never see your friend again. Or you can just say, "Well that was good, call me the next time you get horny" and continue the friendship as before. The last option means you're both best friends with benefits. You're both mature enough to realise that you don't want a relationship with each other, you just want a quickie every now and then when no one else is available. This is a sort-of platonic friendship, the kind that most guys dream of.

To summarise, if you can maintain a friendship with a member of the opposite sex, and not have any emotional involvement that results in jealousy/one-sided desire, then you've got yourself a platonic friendship.

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal
*****

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a platonic Meow.

My govt gets horny reading sex Q&As

What's this Kucing Gatal hears? A ban on sex articles and Q&A in the media? There goes a few pages in Cleo, and I'm guessing FHM will now be reduced to a 10-page publication.

So let me get this straight. Say someone has a valid question, like: My husband and I got married 3 years ago, and we're trying to have a baby. I used to be on the pill but stopped a few months ago. Will this have any effect on our reproduction efforts?

Would a question like that be allowed? Would an article on sexually-transmitted diseases be allowed, or will it be a blanket ban on everything sex-related?

I really don't see what's the problem here. People are trying to get answers, they're trying to get educated. You think students in sex ed classes are going to ask their teachers: "Teacher, teacher, yesterday my boyfriend and I did some heavy petting, do you think I'm pregnant?" Of course not. For obvious reasons, these people write to magazines for advice. And in most cases, the agony aunt/uncle advises them to abstain, rather than risk diseases/pregnancies.

I'm not condoning sex between/with minors here, I'm just saying that at least there's some place these people can turn to for help. Well, there's always the Internet but sometimes you want an answer that's personalised for you and your unique problem.

I really wonder what the government is thinking. You think by banning sex articles and Q&A, unmarried couples are going to stop having sex? You think they have sex BECAUSE they read these articles? They wake up one morning, turn to page 35, read a sex Q&A, and get all horny? "Darling, look here, someone asked if it's a good idea to tell a partner about their previous sex lives. Ooh quickly come here, honey, I steam already ... "

Well, no matter. Kucing Gatal is still offering free Agony Aunt services for all problems, sex-related or otherwise. No need to spend RM5 a month just to see if your problem has been addressed. So come one, come all, write to the wise Kucing.

To the anonymous reader who commented in my last post, I will address your query in my next post, ok?

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a non-sexual Meow.

Cybersex: Then & Now

I logged into a Yahoo chatroom recently, after a long hiatus. Before I could even say hi, three personal messages popped up, all bearing the same message: Hi ... asl plz! Now I remember why I stopped going into these public chatrooms. They're dominated by these social desperadoes who aren't at all interested in getting to know you, they just want someone to join them for a quickie in cyberspace.

I remember when I first started chatting, back in the mid-90s. The Internet was a fascinating place. I marvelled at the fact that I could chat to people from thousands of miles away in real time, simultaneously. Back then, people were genuinely interested in forming cyber friendships, chatters were courteous, and flamers were few and far between. Or at least that's what my memory chooses to believe. You know how nostalgia is, it highlights the good and glosses over the bad.

Eventually, cybersex took off big time. People used chat rooms for hot and steamy conversations. But at least the beginning of the chat would still be decent, a chatter would pretend to make some small conversation before getting to the "good bits". Kucing Gatal has participated in her share of cybersex encounters (who hasn't?) but it was just a passing phase. It's really not a turn-on for me to pretend I'm having wild sex when in reality I'm sitting in front of a PC screen, staring at someone's words on a screen, words that are supposed to make me moan and squirm but in reality have no effect on me whatsoever. Here's a sample:

SmilyGuy: Hey there, how are you?
^Cat^: I'm fine, how about you?
SmilyGuy: I'm doing good. Are you a male or female? Where are you from?
^Cat^: I'm female, from Malaysia.
SmilyGuy: Hey, I had a uni mate from Malaysia! He was from this place called Penang, do you know it?

(And the conversation would go on for a bit, until invariably the guy would ask me what I look like. My answers depended on my mood. Some days I was 5'7, slim, long black hair, greenish brown eyes, and other days I was 5'2, 86kgs and had a punk hairstyle)

SmilyGuy: You sound sexy. Can I ask you a personal question?
^Cat^: Sure.
SmilyGuy: What are you wearing?

(Again, my answer to this standard question would vary).

^Cat^: Well, it's very hot here today, so I'm just wearing a tank top and shorts.
SmilyGuy: Mmmm, wish I could see you. Are you wearing any panties?
^Cat^: Yes, a pair of lacy black panties.
SmilyGuy: Now it's getting hot here too. Not to mention hard ...
^Cat^: Well, why don't you get comfortable?
SmilyGuy: I am, I just took off my pants and am sitting here in my boxers. Would you like to help me get even more comfortable?
^Cat^: What do I need to do?

(The naiver you are or pretend to be, the more they like it, these perverts)

SmilyGuy: Well, how about you slip your hand into my boxers and feel me. But before that, could you take off your clothes too? It's not fair that I'm only here in my underwear while you're clothed.
^Cat^: Ok give me a moment.

(I go away to get a drink and return)

^Cat^: Ok I'm back, and now I'm wearing nothing but my black panties.
SmilyGuy: Ohhhh I really wish I was next to you now. Come sit on my lap, baby.
^Cat^: Shall I sit facing you or away from you?
SmilyGuy: Sit facing me, so I can look at those pretty breasts of yours.
^Cat^: OK.
SmilyGuy: Slip your hand into my boxers, can you feel how hard and hot I am for you, baby? I'm touching your nipples now, do you like that?
^Cat^: Oh yes, I can feel you ... wow you're big!

(If you can't massage the real thing, massage their ego instead)

SmilyGuy: I'm kissing your breasts now, licking you, giving you pleasure... do you like it? Are you wet?
^Cat^: Oh yes baby, don't stop!

And the conversation would continue until inevitably the guy would type: "I'm coming, I'm coming .... aaaah ... oooh baby that was awesome!"

Pretty boring, isn't it? Then voice-enabled chat rooms started mushrooming. Mics became a popular computer accessory. Cybersex had a whole new dimension to it. Words are one thing, but words with sounds, now that heated things up quite a bit! And so cybersex became more interesting. Most of the time I would tell the guy that my mic was broken though, so it would be quite one-sided, which was fine with me, as I could continue watching TV while laughing at the poor bloke jerking off to my hot words onscreen.

There was once though, when I was merrily typing away, and the guy asked, "Why don't you say something?" "I don't have a mic," I responded. His answer: "How come I can hear you typing then?" I froze, and then realised I was using a friend's laptop which had a built in mic. That conversation ended very abruptly!

Eventually webcam prices fell, and became affordable to the average Joe. Now you could actually see who you were talking to. Kucing Gatal likes viewing people's cams. There are those who claim they are handsome on their profiles, but then turn out to look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not that it bothers me what they look like, but if you're not good-looking, then don't claim to be, ok?

Sometimes though, you click on a guy's cam, and instead of seeing his face, you end up looking at his dong instead. Kucing Gatal has seen enough ugly dongs to last a lifetime.

And back to the present. Today, when I enter a chatroom, I am assaulted with a standard greeting. Some guys do away with the niceties altogether. They start off a conversation by asking: "Hi, what are you wearing?" The ruder ones just go: "Hi baby, wanna f*ck?"

Kucing Gatal is no longer interested in such conversations. Cybersex is a thing of the past for me. The real thing is so much better, don't you agree?

This has turned out to be an extra long post, so I'll save my real-life exploits for later. Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a tired Meow.

Would You Let Your Partner Read Your Emails?

My very first Agony Aunt/Makcik Derita letter. I don't promise to solve your problem, but I hope to dish out some sound advice based on experience, intuition and plain old good luck.

*****
Dear Kucing Gatal,

I am 23 years old and just found myself a girlfriend. This is the first girlfriend in my life. I have a lot of gal pals but until now no one wanted to go steady with me. Then my friend set me up on a blind date and we hit it off straight away. The problem is, this girl has started becoming possessive and jealous of my friendships with my gal pals. Everytime I'm on the phone with one of them, she wants to know who it is, and when I finish the conversation, she wants to know exactly what was said. Now she's demanding that I give her my email password so that she can read my emails. She said she trusts me but she just wants some reassurance that I'm not cheating on her. Kucing Gatal, I swear I am innocent, I never flirt with any of my gal pals, but at the same time I want my girlfriend to trust me completely, and I don't want to have to give her my password, for my privacy. She is a very nice girl, this is the only problem I am having with her. I'm afraid if I don't give her my password, she will break up with me. What should I do?

Sincerely,
LF

Kucing Gatal says:
Dear LF,

Congratulations on getting yourself a partner! It's good to hear that she's a nice girl. Now, this email issue is not something new. I've heard from quite a number of people that their partners either want their passwords or have actually hacked into their accounts. In some cases, these couples broke up because of unfaithfulness, and there was one case where the guy dumped the girl because he found out she had been posting up nude pics of herself on the Net, yet wouldn't sleep with him!

Kucing Gatal is very clear on this issue: an email account is private and confidential. I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't want you opening her letters and reading them, right? Same thing. Reading someone's emails without permission is bad enough, but harrassing your partner into revealing their password is even worse. Jealousy is a bad trait that exists in most people; while most have it under control, there are those who see green even when there's nothing to be jealous about. If your girlfriend is jealous now, she's going to be jealous 10 years down the road. Are you willing to give in to her every time she asks you to prove your innocence?

I don't know what excuse you've been giving your girlfriend so far, as I assume you have not revealed your password yet. If you want to hold on to this relationship, and avoid a fight, Kucing Gatal advises you to quickly set up a new mail account, transfer your most private and confidential mails to this account, and leave the junk mails and mails you don't mind her reading in the original account. Then give her the password of the original account. Make sure you check your email as often as possible and keep transferring whenever needed. Best to advise your friends about this, unless they are mutual friends with your girlfriend, in which case you better keep your mouth shut.

Also, you can be a man and tell your girlfriend off if she keeps bugging you about your gal pals. Do this rarely though, so that she fears your unpredictable reaction and is unlikely to nag you often.

Kucing Gatal knows of men who have ditched their gal pals just because their girlfriends were jealous - these men are spineless and "queen controlled". What happens when the couple breaks up? The man finds himself a few friends short. Remember, girlfriends come and go, but friends are forever.

If Kucing Gatal were in your position, she would probably break off the relationship - the mental torture is just likely to get worse.

Hope this helps,
Kucing Gatal
*****

Phew! Got quite carried away for a bit there. I can dish out even more advice, but LF would probably fall asleep halfway through reading it. What do you think, readers? Did I give out the right advice? Maybe you have some similar experience to share? All comments welcome!

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a sage Meow.

Shaved ... and Loving It!!

An update on my friend who was wondering whether or not to go bald ... well she did as the Kucing advised, and the results are in!

The mags, she couldn't get hold of (where does one get porno mags in KL huh?). She wanted to print out some pics from the Net but her printer ran out of ink so no go on that.

Finally she decided to just do it and to hell with the consequences. She started shaving, with the intention of going totally bald, but then chickened out and left a landing strip.

That evening, she seduced the guy like nobody's business. He was so turned on he wanted to do it right there and then .... in the restaurant they were having dinner in! Ya, my friend is very skillful, can turn men on without even touching them - all these skills taught by the great Kucing Gatal.

Anyway, being wicked, my friend turned up the heat a little more until the guy couldn't stand it, practically threw down his cutlery, asked for the bill, paid, and almost dragged her back to the car. He sped to some lorong belakang somewhere, and in no time the windows were all fogged up. It was a bit dark so he couldn't see the difference, but boy could he feel it!

According to my friend, "First he stopped, then asked, 'did you do something?' I'm busy moaning away, can't be bothered to make conversation so I didn't answer. So he bent over for closer examination ... and let me tell you, Kucing, he was like a different man that night, just couldn't get enough of me. It was the best sensation both for him and me! Can feel everything so much better. And now he wants me to get rid of the landing strip for even more slurpy pleasure!"

So there you have it, boys and girls. The verdict: bald is better.

Till next time, this is Kucing Gatal signing out with a pleased Meow.